The Silent Killer - Completed

Aoife.

Holding your child for the first time is the most amazing experience of your life. To hold something, a person, that will grow up so quickly you won’t believe it is unbelievable. You take in everything about them. Their eyes, their hair, their smell, who they look like more, the silly faces they make and the list goes on. But when you have had to wait months for this moment its greatness is increased.

I am finally rid of infection and can be around Harry but until today he has not been able to have been held. No one has taken this little poor boy and gave him a cuddle. I find this quite terrifying that he hasn’t had a chance to feel the comfort being held feels. I couldn’t have got through this whole ordeal without being engrossed in Daniel’s arms each day.

Robbie told me last night that today might be the day I could hold my boy. I remember vividly the day I held Ciara. She was so tiny and fragile and blew me away. “We made her” I remember saying to Daniel totally amazed at what we had produced. She was beautiful. I spent the day staring at in her in pure amazement. Still to this day I look at her and think – ‘Is she really mine?’.

I barely slept all night. I couldn’t contain my excitement of holding Harry for the first time. I think the night nurse was a little annoyed at this fact. She kept walking past giving me a stern look at me watching T. Turns out TV at night is just as bad as daytime TV. The only difference is during the day it’s people arguing over topics and at night they are attempting to guess what the topic is. Quiz show after quiz show in which no one won any money.

Daniel brought Ciara in for a quick visit before school. She was all excited as it was show and tell day and we had given her a picture of Harry for her to look at whenever she liked. She ran in screaming “Mummy, Mummy, look Mummy! I’m taking Harry in to show my teacher at school for show and tell today.”

“Oh wow!” I said turning to Daniel who was just entering the room.

“Hi babe” He said as he kissed me on the forehead. “How are we feeling today?”

“I’m great” I said tugging at his shirt and pulling him towards me for a kiss. “How’s my little Princess this morning?”

“Daddy burnt the dinner last night” she said giggling as she fiddled around with the TV remote attempting to find a cartoon to watch.

“Oh he did did he?” I said turning to Daniel giving him that smiling/disapproving look.

“I did not. It was meant to be burnt. It gives it extra flavour!” he snapped back.

“No it’s not Daddy” Ciara said back giggling again “Burning it makes it taste nasty.”

“Well how about Princess Ciara come to Granpa’s tonight for dinner?” my dad said as he stepped through the door.

“Pappy!” Ciara shouted jumping off the bed into his arms.

“I’m going to show all my class my picture of Harry today.”

“That will be nice” he said “How about I take Ciara to school today and pick her up afterwards and give you two a little time together today?”

“That would be great dad. Thanks” I said.

“No problem. How’s my girls today?”

“Yeah I’m doing good today dad.”

“Great. Well Miss Ciara how about we go and show off our little Harry?”

“Yup” She said pulling away from him and jumping back onto the bed beside me. “Love you Mummy” she said wrapping her arms around my neck.

“Bye baby girl. Love you. Have a good day at school.”

“Wow she is so excited to show off Harry.” Daniel said as they disappeared into the elevator.

“Yeah. She definitely is. I’m glad she isn’t jealous of him.”

At about 11 O’clock Robbie arrived in the doorway. Daniel had climbed up beside me on the bed to watch TV and had fallen asleep. I slept quite lightly so woke up as the door opened.

“I’ll keep my voice down.” He whispered, smiling at Daniel asleep on my shoulder.

I laughed and said “he’s a heavy sleeper. Probably won’t hear a thing!”

“When do you want to go and see Harry?” He asked.

“Can I hold him today?”

“I don’t see a problem with that-“

I cut him of jumping slightly with excitement waking up Daniel “Really? Oh sorry babe. Robbie says we can hold Harry today!”

“Brilliant” he said with a huge smile still half asleep.

As the lunch lady arrived to take away the dishes the excitement boiled up inside of me. It was finally time to go and see Harry. Robbie came in with the wheelchair and as usual I got in without any arguments. I knew I wasn’t quite ready to walk yet but I was getting stronger and stronger.

The nurses were all waiting for us when we arrived. Harry was still in his incubator but he was now doing so well he didn’t have any tubes in him at all. They had been giving him my milk through a tube until this morning as it had been tested and had no cancerous cells in it.

“Who is holding first?” one of the nurses said.

Daniel and I looked at each other without saying a word. He knew by my face I was desperate to hold him. We had decided though that, since I had held Ciara first, he would hold Harry first.

“Aoife” he proudly said.

The nurse carefully took him from the incubator and places him in my arms. The tears began quickly as I stared at the most beautiful little boy I had ever seen – and he was mine. All mine, for me to keep forever. Holding him I forget the whole world around me exists. I sat there for hours. Feeling his smooth skin, rocking him slightly. Then he let out his first cry, well of what I had heard. I don’t know if he cried when he was born because he was so early. That first little whimper of his voice which made everything so real.