In-Between The Lines

Chapter 11

         The fact of the matter is, There is always another way. So many people make the mistake of thinking that because of their situation, they are only left with one option, and that is false. In every possible situation, there is always at least one other route. Now, that might seem comforting, but you have to remember that though it may be an option, the other route may not be the best or right option. That's why we as human individuals are so important: we possess the power to shape most aspects of our life by simply choosing a certain path. Next time you feel trapped or cornered, remember, there is always another way.

****

        Halloween morning came with me standing in front of a sadly decorated school. The air was humid, and low dark clouds covered the sky. The large stream of students flowing into the school were all wearing costumes (most designed to look flattering instead of scary). I wore no costume, for why would I draw attention to myself now when I had gone so far being unnoticed?

         Walking inside the school, I saw a variety of Orange and black streamers paired with jack-o-lanterns made of styrofoam. I smiled at the mediocre decorations, because at least my school was trying. I looked over to my bench, and saw Nathan who was also admiring the decor. I walked over and realized that Nathan also wasn't wearing a costume. He looked at me and smiled.

"I love your costume. It's so accurate."

I just rolled my eyes and pulled my notepad out of my backpack.

****

      As we walked home from school, Nathan was talking of how he had never noticed I had lived near him until the first day of school. When we arrived, he opened the door with his set of keys, and we walked into an empty, meticulously cleaned house. It wasn't too big or small, and it looked like a regular house.

"Mom won't be home till really late tonight. You know, work....."

He had his hands in his pockets, and he was looking at the floor.

A moment later, he smiled and clapped his hands.

"So, anyways, I figured we could watch a horror movie before we worked on the project. What do you think?"

I shrugged and smiled. He beamed and pointed to the couch.

"There's the living room. I'm gonna grab the movie, and can you pour the candy for me? Top cabinet. "

I nodded as he started up the stairs.

****

        About halfway through the movie, Nathan asked me if I had made my decision about the art show. I pulled out my notepad and slowly wrote that I couldn't from lack of supplies. His eyes lit up, and before I could write anything, he was running upstairs. A few moments later, he was shuffling down stairs carrying a huge canvas and a box of paints.

"I can help with that," he said with a childish grin. He set the blank canvas and paints down in front of the television and sat down on the couch. Without thinking, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him. I pulled away, and smiled.

He looked at me. The room was dark.

"Cassidy, why were you crying?"

I was silent, and I didn't move.

"Was it because of your father?"

I sat there rigidly on that threadbare worn couch. I avoided looking at Nathaniel, so instead I traced small circles on the soft patterns with my fingers.  As I sat there trying my hardest not to break down, not to collapse upon myself, I slowly made a choice. I picked up the notepad that would hold my decision, and in small shaky letters I wrote

As much as I loved my father, he was not the one I was crying about on that dark street.

I saw Nathan stiffen as he read this. He didn't move, but he looked at me as if he was waiting for me to tell him instead of asking.

And it was then I broke my promise to never let anyone see the damage. On that small, insignificant pack of paper, I poured out my entire life: of how I had loved Gabriel so much. I told Nathan of how some days, he would love me as if the world was about to end. And I told Nathan of the days when he shouted at me, told me I was worthless and that I wasn't good enough. I told him even of the days when all Gabriel could do was stare at a wall, and how I would try to break him out of his inevitable trance by screaming at him, but I could never scream loud enough. I told Nathaniel of all the nights when I laid alone in the dark, silently fearing if the next days would be good or bad.

Don't misunderstand me, I wrote.
I truly loved that boy. I gave my heart to him, and some days he would reject it or cherish it. But I was so madly in love with him that even those days of misery and regret were made up for by the seldom good days.

My hands were shaking visibly now, and I was trying hard not to let Nathan see all of the damage.

And despite all of those days when he was making me fall apart, when I received that one phone call on that fateful day, my heart found new ways to break.

I knew something was wrong. I hadn't received any calls or any communication at all. I wasn't worried at first, because I thought he had just gotten tired of me as normal. I was so relieved when I saw his number flash across my screen. But when I heard a lady's crisp clear voice telling me that she had found his phone next to him on the road, my world came crashing down just the same.

And so on that day when you first talked to me, you asked me why I hadn't talked to anyone. I've lost two people who made up my life. Two out of three of the only people in this infinite universe who actually went out of their way to care about me are gone, and it's foolish to believe that they will ever come back. And honestly, I don't have the strength to fill the air with my worthless words. What's the point of filling the air with my words if they can't too?

It was at that point when I couldn't write anymore. I felt as if all of my insides had slowly melted, and I collapsed into a heap, not even caring if Nathaniel could see.

He had been strangely quiet throughout my writing, and I realized instead of pulling me out to sea, he had just waited for the tide got bring me back in. He leaned over, and slowly pulled me into his embrace.

I sat there, clutching my notepad, letting my tears fall freely. I couldn't stand to look at him. I didn't dare to look up. I felt arms wrap around my shoulders, and I stiffened. Nevertheless, Nathan still wrapped his arms around my shoulders.  Giving in, I sobbed into his chest, and I felt a hand on my chin. He lifted my face to face his as he stared at me in the dark light. He gently pulled the notepad from my arms, and slowly wrote

You are so beautiful. Even at 3 in the morning, when you're scared, fallen apart, and you just need someone. You are so beautiful, even now because you are so honest, and you are so lost, yet each day you rebuild yourself again.

And it was then I felt what it truly felt like to be cared about. I looked in his eyes, and I saw him look at me like I was the brightest star on a dark night.

I held him tightly, and I felt a dampness as he pressed his face into my blonde hair. His body was shaking uncontrollably. I wiped the tear drops from his face just as he had done for me, and I picked up the notepad again.

I can't even describe how amazing and special you are. You are like an ocean. On the outside, you are strong, silent, powerful, willing, and accepting. But it's when people dive deeper under your surface when they are truly rendered speechless. I can't even  begin to say all of the things I've found out about you, but you deserve to know that never once in my life have I met such a special person.

His eyes widened as he read this, and even more tears spilled out of his eyes. I felt him hug me so hard that all of my broken pieces fit back together again.

He chuckled weakly.

"Cassidy, I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes. "

Two teenagers sat in an extremely dark room, with a canvas full of hopes in front of them, holding each other on a threadbare couch as tears streamed down both their faces at 3 in the morning.