Yours Truly, Levi

A Heart in Search of Love

Your tears become cold from sticking to your cheeks so long, but there's no reason to wipe them away. There's no reason for anything. Levi doesn't want your love. So there was no reason to take the energy to reach up and wipe them off.

It's pointless. You had always believed what your mother had said before she died.

"You can do anything, get through anything, and learn to live with anything," she said, stroking your hair, "as long as you still have love in your heart."

"But mama," you replied, looking up at her with the huge eyes of a child. "How will I know if I have love?"

"When you feel it," she said, and poked you gently in the middle of your chest, that center, tender spot, "in here."

You giggled and held your chest, and you knew that one day this heart would know love.

The memory ends, and you sniffle softly. "I feel it here, mama," you whisper, holding your heart. "But I can't live with things this way! I have love, but the love is not returned."

"So, child, what do you want to do about it?"

You look up, startled. Nobody is there. "M-mama?"

"Are you going to let your heart be void of love? Or are you going to go out there and fill it with the love you deserve?"

Your mind whirs. Fill your heart with love? But who's love? Not Levi's, you know. But who's?

The name comes to you in a flash. Jason.

He'd offered before... what, exactly?

"But if you'll let me... I can show you the perks of being the only female on an island of men."

You'd told him to get lost, but he had made it seem like he'd left the offer open-

Wait, what am I thinking? No! I'm not going to run to him! Your heart immediately skips a beat at the thought. But then again... why not? Levi had turned you down... but if he saw you with Jason...

"No! That's... wrong."

But is it?

Jason had promised to show you the "perks," meaning... he wants what you'd wanted with Levi. Maybe you could... love the handsome Captain, and with some time and affection, you could learn to be happy with him.

You shake your head, conflicted. But you know somewhere in the back of your head, your mind was made up. You were going to go to Jason.

Luckily, you wouldn't have to go to him, because right then you heard a gentle voice behind you.

"Well, well. What did I tell you about falling for the Corporal, you silly Cadet?"

Your heart leaps. You turn your body to face- "Jason- er, Capt-"

"Relax, kid. Call me Jason. Seriously, it gets annoying being referred to as a title instead of a name."

"Um. Okay. Jason..."

"I see I was right," he says.

You turn your head back to the empty water pot. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't be that way," he said, feigning hurt. "I'm just looking out for you, like the pretty little lady you are."

"You're just saying that because you're starved for the female attention you probably swim in back home, and I'm the only girl on the island."

He snickered, plopping down in the sand next to you. "Maybe I am. Or maybe I mean it. Who knows?"

"You're just a playboy."

"Hah- girl, you've so much to learn," he laughs.

"Like what?"

"Like..." he kneels next to you in the sand and leans in close. "Being a playboy doesn't necessarily make you insincere."

"Well, then, prove it."

He leans in and kisses your neck. His lips are soft, and your heart leaps in your chest. "I can give you what Ackerman can't," he whispers. "Or rather, what Ackerman... won't."

You shiver. "I don't know what you mean," you feign innocence, knowing exactly what he means. He means that he saw you and Levi... saw the two of you get close... saw you almost kiss him... saw Levi back out... saw Levi leave you on the beach... saw you fall into ruin. The mere thought makes tears form in your eyes.

"I think you really do know... but you're shy and innocent, and are too embarrassed to admit how he made you feel... so happy, so ready... then how he left you so sad, so empty, so unsatisfied."

You blink. That's exactly how you'd felt.

"Don't worry, hon," Jason whispers seductively. "Having desire doesn't make you easy. Having fun doesn't make you bad." Then he chuckles. "Well... maybe it does, but you'll never know by being good, now, will you?"

You turn your head to face him, only to realize you're now as close to him as you'd gotten to Levi before he backed out. Could you really go through with this?

"Wait. This isn't right," you say, your eyes flying open, pulling your head and body backwards.

He moves forward again, now positioned over your partly-reclined body quite sexily. "I promise that I'm not going to push you into something you don't want," Jason says into your ear. "But I can't promise that you don't want what I'm offering." His lips move to your neck, poised pre-kiss, waiting for approval. Waiting for the yes, I want this.

But do I?

You're frozen. "Jason..."

"Is that a yes?" he barely whispers.

"Jason... I don't know... I... I didn't want... but what I thought I did want..." Your tears are fresh again as they begin to flow freely down your face. "I don't know..."

Jason stops, lifting his concerned face to yours. As the sobs begin to wrack your entire body uncontrollably, he freezes, terror and confusion on the face that you've never see with anything but serious concentration and playboy confidence. "I'm sorry- I- didn't realize you were- oh, please don't cry-"

He sits back, crawling off of you, then reaches out, wiping the tears away. His fingers leave a sandy residue, and that makes the stinging worse, and therefore the tears flow harder. "I'm sorry... but I can't... I can't do this with you. I love Levi... and Levi doesn't love me back."

Jason is silent, taking this information in. "I see," he says finally. "I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," you reply, wiping your face.

"No... but that bastard should know better. I blame myself. I should've taught him better."

"Well, you've only been his immediate superior for a month," you reply. "Up until now it's been- what was his name? Erving? Irwin?- that Smith guy."

Jason chuckled. "I suppose it's less of me and Smith as it is that Levi's seen a lot of suffering. His mind doesn't work like yours and mine, where we compartmentalize his feelings and past emotions, and his decisions for his future. He doesn't seek to make himself happy- by allowing himself to recognize and reciprocate your love the way I know he can- because he feels he doesn't deserve happiness."

You're near tears again. Maybe you can't make yourself love someone else. Maybe Levi was the only one. Maybe your heart will only fill with the love of him.

He leans close to you, plants a kiss on your forehead, then stands. "By the way," he says ruffling your hair, "I'll bet if you make him jealous, you can break through that preservation shell. Jealously and overprotection always seem to work. And I know just how we can make that happen."