Changes are Cruel // Vikklan

Chapter 12

Several minutes passed as I searched down every corridor, vaguely starting to remember the directions of every room and exit. I rushed down a narrow hall, seeing the two doors at the end with a red exit sign above them. I didn't bother looking back as I pushed through the glass doors and ran out into the cold air. I may be skipping, but I couldn't care. I didn't matter anymore.

With a sharp inhale, I rushed across the parking lot to my black car. The air was thick against my cold, pale complexion. I wasted no time in opening the driver side door and jumping in, slamming it shut. I instantly turned the heater on, shivering and teeth clattering together involuntarily. I rubbed my hands together, begging the friction would bring me warmth.

After several excruciating minutes of trying to warm my freezing frame, I managed to fight off the chill bumps and put the car in drive. Now was the joy of driving home to my lone house.

I pulled slowly into my driveway, surveying my home. It looked dull yet liveable. I parked the machine and climbed out, closing the door. I hadn't had my car for a while, since I had left it at the school because of a bad beating and being took unwillingly to a hospital where I was drove home by some nurse afterwards. I finally have it home.

I rushed to my front door, unlocking the lock and slipping inside. The warm air slammed against the cold temperature in a clash of death as I slammed the door shut.

Absent heart.

I shuffled out of my shoes and placed them neatly beside the door. My vision was drawn to the light shining into the hallway from the bathroom.

Never the same.

I slowly trudged to it, peeking inside. The room was faded. It was clean, just the interior was slightly worn out. I stepped inside and ran my shaking finger against the counter tops.

Broken smiles and laughs.

I smudged my finger against the mirror, leaving marks as I did. My appearance was a complete mess. My eyes were bloodshot, cheeks stained with tears, lips pulled down in a permanent frown.

Throbbing pains.

I reached for a drawer but stopped. Could I do this? I promised Vikk I wouldn't, but I ruined his friendship. He probably just feels pity for me anyways.

Crumbling thoughts.

My heart pounded faster as I slung open a wooden drawer and grabbed my friend, my metal razor.

Neglectful Remarks.

I held my razor to my wrist and took a sharp breath, deciphering if it was the right method for controlling the tearing pain in my heart.

Nightmaric mind.

My heart is an abyss of sharp, jagged rocks. It waits for its victim to fall into them, snapping every thread that loosely holds my heart in a crumbling piece. One break could result to it shattering with no more strength. It would leave me breathless and begging the pain would end; end me.

Never ending temptations.

I drug the razor against my thin skin, feeling the sharp pain scatter about within my wrist. Blood seeped through the narrow slice, leaving lines of scarlet as they fell into puddles of crimson.

Suicidal desires.

I drag again, feeling no pain. It grew numb, tingling my entire arm. I felt motionless and weak. How pathetic could I be? It was obvious Vikk thought I was puny and couldn't help but try to fix me, to only break me again.

Dieing trust.

I felt my legs wobble as every slit I yanked became deeper and longer. Scars were sure to be evident after healing; if I lived, that is.

"Are you okay?" Rob asked as he slung an arm loosely around my arm. I forced a weak smile upon my lips, not daring to lock gazes with the males before myself. "I'm fine." I'm tired of lying..

I bit into my lip at the memory flooding my thoughts. I whimepred and looked to the sink, seeing blood dripping down the granite sides and into the metal drain.

Pathetic excuses.

I relentlessly drug the metal, squeezing my eyes shut to block out the pain that was slowing returning. Every move caused a throbbing sensation to shoot up my nerves, making me whimper and a tear to be set free. I opened my eyes to see myself in the mirror.

Pale skin, dull orbs, puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, bloody arms, and a weakened posture. I was no more.

An empty shell.

I sunk to the ground after my legs viciously buckled, causing me to slam into the ground with a loud cry. I flung the metal from my hand carelessly, hearing the clink of the object as it hit the tile floor near myself. I laid my back against the wall, sobbing with no self control. All the pain of years flowed like an undieing current. All the fears of past events were now freeing themselves as I trembled in an agonizing state of denial.

"I can tell you all anything, right?" I muttered, tears springing into the corner of my eyes. "Of course!" Mitch chirped. I smiled truthfully for once and looked to my lap. "I'm gay." I said hesitantly. All fell silent as I looked up, disgust on all of their faces. Pure, utter disgust. "You fag. How could we have been friends with such a waste of air?"

Every remark repeated within my brain, sending me into a spiral of regret and shame.

Forgotten hope.

I bit my lip in an attempt to silence myself. I fixated my gaze to the counter before me, looking at every line and stub mark.

"Are you excited sweety?" I nodded vigorously at my father in the rear view mirror. "Good, because we will be staying with them until the end of the hollidays." I excitedly giggled, clapping my hands together in a childish manor. I looked into the front mirror, my eyes filling my fear as a car swerved from their own lane to ours. Screeching tires and shattering glass rung loudly in my ears as I fluttered my eyes open. The hot pavement burned my scraped arms. I rolled to my stomach and slid my knees under me. I caught sight of a fiery crash before me. The two cars binded in a lock of death. Smoke rising in clouds above the two vehicles. The collision must have knocked me out of the back seat of my family's explorer. Bodies laid pale and limp-mostly lifeless-as I surveyed the area before myself. I scampered to my feet with tears in my eyes as I saw my parents. My father was slung halfway out of the windshield, glass sticking into his abdomen. He was bent over the hood and dashboard. My mother's head was laid roughly against the glove box, head profusely bleeding. Both of their shoulders never rose to indicate breathing. I was trembling as I tried to pry the driver door open, "Dad! Mom! Please answer me!" I yelped in a pained tone as I had fell to my rear with a rough bang. With my mouth wide, I began to rock on the asphalt, holding my legs to my chest. I heard distant sirens and the roar of engines. Tears blinded me as I could barely breathe. The scene was one no one would want or believe. One so gruesome, your stomach twists in knots and you plead it's a dream..But it is not.

I sobbed harder, slamming my head backwards into the wall my back was firmly against. I could barely breathe as I cried out, feeling the tingling pain completely take over my arms. I closed my eyes tightly with clenched teeth as I repeatedly whispered, "It's my fault. It's all my fault"

Memories hid away flush forward with a vengeance. Killing me slowly, I can't breathe. It's my fault. It always has been.