forgive me || dean ambrose story

i'm dying-

A.N.... this is a part I wanted to add as a little insight filler, it's from Mickey's point of view whilst she's in the hospital, slowly she is passing away. This is how she felt. And the flashback is something playing in her mind from Dean's eyes. Hope this makes sense, comments and I'll make a couple more of these insights!

Michaela Price•

I'm scared of the dark, the nothingness which catches you each time you take a moment to blink or when you call for sleep is something I fear. It is a never ending hole which has the ability to devour every trace of your soul.

It's ironic when you think about it, you begin your life in it as a tiny foetus and end your life in it when you're old and gray. . so why should you fear the inevitable?

The daylight has evaded my eyes for what seems like a millennium now, sunlight in my world doesn't exist. I spend day after day in a trance, a trance that I can't move in or escape and that's the scary part - it's my own mind.

Here I am, held captive in my own mind which once allowed me to speak, to move my limbs, allowed me to walk and tell people that I loved them. Now I'm just a prisoner, held until I reach my end in a shell of what once was a human being.

I know I'm dying.

I'm loosing the will to fight it anymore, the pain is no longer there but the wanting, the needing to find out who I once was is overwhelmingly painful and I know that I cannot win at a battle I am loosing.

Sometimes - well most of the time, I hear this voice. . a gravelly drawl kind of a voice in my mind and it tells me to fight the demons, to wake and to free myself from this nightmare. At first I remember trying so hard to call out to it, then I took what it was saying on board and tried to fight my way out. That all failed, but still the voice is there, I hear it a lot. . but I've given up the fight now.

I try so desperately somedays to remember what or who I could've been in life, what I had done so wrongly there that put me in this position I stand in today. . but nothing comes to mind. I just gather a muster of scary thoughts to add to the darkness which terrifies me beyond words.

I think I'd have been a nice human person, with a warm smile, black hair and green eyes - that's what I like to picture anyway. I wish that I would've had a boyfriend who loved me like a best friend and someone with tattoos one day, I picture that we'd buy a house in Florida and have a daughter and a son. . but I'll never get that.

Because I am just a thought, not a real person anymore. . now I am dying and I don't know who I was before.

It hurts to think that I am just an object now, that I mean nothing to nobody and that I am spending whatever time this is on my own. For all I know maybe this is what death is, maybe I have already lost the fight and the person I wish that I was could've been me? But I'll never know, because I'm stuck here.

I try to cheer myself up sometimes by thinking of a man, someone who would've loved me like a father and spoiled me like a mother. . that would've been like a sibling but with a different last name. However, I can't think for long. . because it hurts too much.

It is then I am thrown back into nothingness like a piece of useless information from words on a page. This is where I stay most times, I don't have the energy to think anymore and imagine what could've been.

It is beyond painful to think of what could've been, what I could've done and what I've missed out on. It feels like I miss someone but I am never able to put two pieces together as to why. I don't know what I am, let alone who or where, so why would I miss anyone.

There is nobody to miss, I am just a mere spot on the paper for all I know, maybe this is death? But I can't go back and tell people what it is like, what the torture is to hear your own voice and be stuck in nothingness for the rest of eternity.

I wish I could fight, that I could claw back to what I might have had in another life. But I know there is nothing left. I have nothing, not even an action at my disposal to show anyone who may be watching that I am still in here. That I am still someone with a name and a family and a story. There is nothing to show for them to help me be freed and for that reason. I know. I know that I am trapped. I am dying.

*flashback - Dean's point of view*

"Dean!" She squealed clawing at my hands wrapped around her waist from behind as I lifted her up in the air. "Put me down, what are you doing?"

I let her down on the bottom of the bed, she crawled up it on her back as she watched me with her piercing green eyes. The way her smile held a thousand words always made me weak at the knees. I crawled playfully over her, smirking all the time as she tried to push me off of her.

"What are you doing you dufus?" She giggled shoving at my shoulders as I placed a soft kiss on her forehead. The light from the lampshade just enough for us to focus on each others faces. "I need to go speak to Roman, and I need to thank Seth!"

"Not so fast baby, tonight. . it's us, they can wait till morning." I laughed and she bit her lip, clearly enticed by my every move, my every word. . she couldn't escape me even if I let her because even I know she's obsessed with me, just like I am her.

"But I'm so tired Dean . . can't it be our night tomorrow?" She pleaded trying to shuffle under my legs but I held each of her wrists softly, I wanted to show her tonight - just how much she meant to me for once.

"What's tomorrow when there's a today Micks?" I pondered playfully and she slapped my chest through my suit jacket. "Besides, tonight isn't just any night. . tonight is your first night as Missus Michaela Ambrose."

She smirked winding my royal blue tie around two of her fingers, pulling me closer so that our foreheads were touching. "You do look really hot in your suit Mister Ambrose. ."

"Don't start teasing me, there's no teasing now you're my wife." I mumbled kissing a spot on her collarbone lightly, she never made a sound but I knew that my own and her breaths were getting shallower, she wanted this just as much as I did. "That's a new rule."

"No if I divorce you its not." She bit her lip again with a small laugh, she was taunting me as always and I had to admit, I fucking loved it. I love every inch of her she is mine and I'm finally hers. Any man lays eyes on her again and he won't make it to the next sunrise.

"You wouldn't divorce me," I quipped and she let out a groan as I took her bottom lip in my mouth, barely audible. "Because we promised death do us part, remember?"

She nodded unable to form words straight away. "I love you Dean. ."

I smirked pulling away as I reached behind her shoulders to slide off the small straps of her beautifully short white wedding dress, embellished with small diamond shapes across the chest. "I love you too Mickey, today we became one and you're all mine."

"Good." She kissed me softly, passionately and I smiled into it. This woman had me wrapped around her little finger, words could not describe what she means to me, she is more than my world and I know that if she was ever to leave me, then I would be broken.