forgive me || dean ambrose story

dean's note-

Dear Roman,

I don't really know when, or if, you're going to read this, if not then so be it, if you do, then I'd be grateful if you read it to it's end.

I could lie to you, tell you that I know what I am currently and about to write, but I don't. My mind is a mess, worse than my handwriting, but who has time to work on that?

Also, I wasn't exactly sure who to address this to, my instinct was you, as you are always the morally correct of the three of us. But Seth, Seth is the guy who is able to be my guidance. . so I chose you, but this is for Seth to read too.

Anyway, I'll stop babbling about bullshit. Because sadly this note has a purpose. And I don't have all the time in the world.

I have no idea where to begin, but I'll start by saying that I'm forever grateful for yours and Seth's continued support.

I know I'm a heartless bastard with no regard for anyone's feelings but my own. And I'm aware that I have always been a handful to both you and Seth, but I've been thankful to have you both at my side through thick and thin.

Shield or no Shield, we are brothers.

I guess I should admit that I was wrong tonight. What you saw, was me at a dark moment, and it should've never have happened. I thought I'd gotten past this point, but clearly I overestimated myself more than usual.

Maybe the therapy didn't work?

Now I know both you and Seth are my brothers but, you know deep down that I was never the same Dean. Despite my rest-bite away for a few months. Mickey, my mistakes that night changed me forever and I am aware that I moved right back to square one when you saw me making out with Nicole.

I feel guilty. Guilty for the fact that you had to tear Aurora away from what she witnessed. However, it's my fault to begin with. Effectively I tricked myself into a relationship with such a nice woman. I never deserved her, she was an angel and I was the poison. I just wanted to be happy. But I hurt her in the process.

I'm not doing this because of this one incident tonight. But because I am aware that I've been on an endless downwards spiral since Mickey's death.

That day in the graveyard, when it was our first day back in Sarasota in a while. When the snow blanketed the ground and I sat with her for hours in the freezing cold. That was the day I realised that I could never be forgiven for my sins against her beautiful nature.

My love, could not overcome my mistakes, no matter how hard I prayed, and pleaded, and begged, and wished for it all to be a dream, for her to be alive. She was gone. Because of me.

I hate myself Roman, I've hated myself for a long time, and I don't know what to do.

It sounds pathetic, but I'm crying now. You'll probably notice the stupid wet spots on the page, maybe you'll laugh at my naivety, who knows?

But I am damaged goods. I am an asshole who doesn't need to be loved by anyone or anything because I only cause pain. A no good, motherfúcker who deserves to rot in hell.

I hurt everything I touch. I'm like Medusa, accept I emotionally break everything I come into contact with.

Laugh all you want. You know I'm right. Look at you, you held a relationship with your wife, for a good amount of time, even before marriage, Seth. . he has a longtime girlfriend. I had a wife. I am widowed. Because I am careless.

It probably sounds selfish, but sometimes I wish I could switch places with you or Seth. To see what it's like to live a normal, guilt free, gut-wrenching painless life.