forgive me || dean ambrose story

day five-

Dean Ambrose-

I stepped over a handful of dead daisies as I stopped in front of her stone once again, it was obvious that the people who have the loved one next to her still hadn't come to clean up her stone, the daisies were still there from the other day.

This time I wasn't sure if it was right for me to sit down, I wasn't sure why but I felt a little ashamed. So instead I stood at the foot of her stone, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my leather jacket as the cold tried it's hardest to bite through my clothes.

I sighed reading over the engraving again and again, tears stinging at my eyes just like when we arrived accept now I felt dirty.

"I'm sorry, I'm such an asshole to you," The tone in my voice sounded somewhat foreign to me, I sounded like a lost child. . but it was different somehow.

"Your brother was right, you did deserve better than me and I don't deserve to be upset over you being gone. I'm disgusting." Admitting it to myself aloud was heartbreaking, maybe everyone was right - I never deserved her.

"I got drunk again, when everyone brings up her I hate it because she's not you. . I just can't help it." I pulled my hood further on my head, the cold hitting my neck, for Sarasota in April it was unbelievably like the arctic circle.

"I was so pathetic, I missed you and so I crawled into her bed again and she cuddled me just like I asked." Maybe this is why I felt guilty, for that split second I pictured Mickey as Rory and that's wrong because nobody can replace her.

"When I'm drunk it makes me forget. . I know that Roman and Seth tell me that it's wrong to use her. . but I do." I laughed sarcastically rolling my eyes at myself I sounded like a jerk.

"Oh, Nikki said she misses you. . her and Brie cried the other day." I gasped remembering that was one thing I needed to say as neither of the twins could make it here before Orlando later.

"I hope you know that I miss you. . even if I am an asshole." I sniffled the tears trying to make themselves show as I tried to keep them at bay.

I flinched spinning in a three hundred and sixty degree circle at the sound of a voice. Nobody was there, it was just me and the cool wind as the day began turning into night.

"Now I'm going insane in real life too." I laughed at myself shaking my head at the simple thought of thinking that I heard her voice.

"I want you to talk to me, why can't you talk back like other fucking ghosts." I hissed frustratedly at myself, this was all too much, but I wouldn't let her go.

"I tried to put on a brave face but I've had the worst few days of my life, the sooner we arrive in New Jersey the better." I muttered pulling my hands from my pockets and turning around to leave.

"Don't I even get a goodbye?" I spun round looking at her stone and there was still nothing. I sniffled.

Goodbye Dean, I love you, lunatic.

"There's no one here! Who in the hell is talking!" I yelled getting frustrated now, I was already paranoid, this would make things worse. I didn't want to believe it was her, because the chances of it being her were unlikely and I hate paranormal shit.

Mickey.

"Bullshit." I quipped. "Fuck off, I can't even see anything, I'm not a psychopath so whoever it is I suggest you stop before I beat your skull in."