Merlin's Gold

Merlin's Gold - Chapter 20 - Internal Demons

Chapter 20 – Internal Demons

Grayle sat in misery on the narrow cot in the tent he shared with Gawain. Yet again he had made a fool of himself, yet again he had upset someone who meant the absolute world to him, and yet again he had lost control of his emotions, and the bubbling sense of terror threatening to overwhelm him.

Guinevere swept into the tent and stood before him, her face cold with fury despite the time elapsed since their earlier encounter. She spoke without preamble.

"You hold a privileged position as my nephew; prince of the house of Tintagel and knight in training, and yet you see fit to upbraid me in front of the soldiers, my lady in waiting and my husband. It will not happen again nephew, do I make myself clear?"

He nodded mutely, eyes downcast and after a few moments silence, he heard her sigh. Moving closer, she sat next to him on his cot and put her arm around his shoulders.

"That was said as High Queen.

"As your aunt I wear a different hat, one of understanding and one of love. You are making a fool of yourself in front of the woman you love, the woman who has already given her heart to you. Be honest with her. Open your heart and stop hiding Grayle." She stood, leaning down briefly to plant a warm kiss on his cheek.

"I will speak to you in the morning, the world is usually better after a nights sleep. Remember, there is nothing that can't be fixed with time and love, but you do need love."

She rose quietly, and left him with his face buried in his hands, utterly enveloped in his own private misery. Thus it was that Iseult found him as she quietly parted the canvas tent flaps a few minutes later. The anger hovering on her lips died as she saw his pain and she moved to him, laying a gentle hand on his shoulder.

He jumped at the touch, looking at her in surprise, so lost had he been in his own personal world of misery. He turned away from her, his face burning in shame as she sat next to him.

"I'm sorry," he said hurriedly, words seeming to tumble out as he spoke to the floor. "I seem to be saying that a lot to you, but I don't know what else to do. Every time you're near me, I seem to react badly and do the exact opposite of what I really want to do. Everything is a contradiction. I don't want you here; I want you safe away from here, away from me. And yet, I am glad you're here so that I can see you... I... I'm sorry..."

Grayle paused and looked at her, anguish in his eyes.

Iseult spoke quietly, meeting his gaze calmly. "Sometimes, you really are an idiot Grayle. Why do you insist on running away from me, but seem happy to head into battle? Why can you not accept I am required to put myself into danger too?" She reached over and took his hand. "Why can you not accept I love you?" she added softly.

"I don't want to become like my father."

"Percival?" Iseult said in surprise. "You're nothing like him!"

"Am I not?" he replied hotly. "You were there in the Blackdown hills; you saw what I did to those men. I became some sort of beast, driven by anger and fear."

"But mostly by love," interjected Iseult. "My Uncle David made that clear to you surely, as he did to me. Percival loves to fight; he fights with a contained anger you do not possess, and it makes him a fearsome warrior. But that one day in the Blackdowns was a freak event, driven by terror. What are you really afraid of Grayle?"

"I'm afraid of losing you!" he shouted. Then stopped, his face aflame once more. A few seconds later, he carried on in a quiet but still rancorous tone. "It's all become clear lately that love wounds deeply, Percival was once in love with Morgause, and it has driven him to become a great knight and fighter, but someone flawed with anger. Love drove him to exist in a state of almost perpetual anger, that and his background. The fear of losing you that day in the Blackdowns drove me to become something I don't want to be."