reclusive .

monotone .

My life has been repetitive before, but this was a bit much. I wake up, eat, get dressed, go to that one-on-one bullshit, come home, cry, cut, sleep, then repeat it the next day; and I'm fine with that. Surprisingly, that's ok with me. Trying something new always led to something bad, so I just stuck to staying inside my tiny bubble.

Never letting anyone in, because once your in, letting you back out will be torture. Plus, people never care about me for too long until they get sick of my constant silence or my anxiety or my radiating sadness, and they just leave. And you can't leave somewhere you never were, so I've locked myself in this bubble and hid the key.

Today, though, wasn't as monotone as the last. I was expecting to, as usual, go into the studio where I meet Louis, paint something then go. But today, Louis was sitting at a piano, smiling as I timidly made my way through the door.  

"Hey Harry," he grins up at me as I awkwardly stand by the piano,hands clasped behind my back. "Are you up to play something for me today?"

I shrug and he smiles, like he just won the lottery. "Well go on," he urges, getting up. I sit at the large beauty and stare at the keys, nervously. "It's ok Harry." Louis says soothingly, standing next to me. His happiness radiates off him, and I hate that about him. Being around Louis makes me happy, and being happy isn't good in my book.

I nod and rake my brain for music to play, and finally the perfect song lit up my mind like a light bulb. A small smile tugged at my lips as my eyes closed and my fingers floated across the keys, starting the song off softly and slowly, but it slowly turned more aggressive and fast and angry, it became me.

Soon I was pressing down onto the keys with so much force that it sounded almost like small bombs exploding, but then it slowly went back to being soft, but only for a while. I was loosing myself, as always, my hand ps flying across the piano so rapidly, and my fingers pressing onto the keys so hard I knew my finger tips would hurt later. 

The ending notes were quiet and soon the song was over.

I waited a moment, head still hung low, eyes still closed and my fingers still resting on the keys. I waited for the laughter and the insults, but they never came. My eyes opened and I slowly look up to Louis for approval. His lips were parted slightly and his bright eyes were wide with shock.

"Harry that was amazing..." He breathes, placing a hand on his chest. "That was so beautiful and so, like, heartfelt and...and I kind of feel like...like for the first time since I've known you, I know how you feel, and I... you're so sad, all I want to know is why." 

I stare blankly at him, and he stares back at me with so many emotions swimming in his beautiful eyes.  

Moments like these are why I'm grateful that I'm good at hiding my emotions, or else he'd see how much what he just said meant to me, and he nor anyone else was supposed to know how I felt, ever.

"Harry?" He asks, taking a step closer. I sit glued to my chair, staring up at him as he sits down next to me. I scoot over, suddenly scared at how close to me he was, so I cower at the edge of the bench like he was a flame and I didn't want to get burned. My head hanged low and my arms wrapped around myself like if I let go, I would fall apart. And maybe I would.