reclusive .

secretive .

I've always been good at hiding my feelings, ever since the first grade when Tom Roberts poured glue in my hair. I didn't react. I only sat there, i let him do it, I let everyone laugh, but when i got home I ran into my room, grabbed my color pencil's and some paper and started to draw. I would draw about another world, somewhere where it was just me and someone else. I can't remember distinctly if it was a girl or a boy, but i do remember it was always in my art as a child. 

As i grew, my art grew with me. I evolved from stick figures so 2D people to more 3D and more realistic and more...mature i suppose. I went from fairytale places, to always drawing myself and emotions, to...everything. Everything i saw, i would draw, no matter how sad or fatal or cruel it was. 

My art has always been kind of a secret. I never let anyway see my art, because my emotions are poured into my art, and no one can now my emotions, i'm pretty sure i said that before. So my paintings and sketches stay hidden away in a shoe box under my bed. If anyone ever asked about my art, i would brush it off...anyone but Louis. Louis can know almost anything he wants, can get anything he needs from me. All he has to do is flash me that smile, or even just glance at me and i'm on my knees, pouring my heart out to him showing and telling him things only i know and only i feel. He can have anything he wants, and i hate to say that, but it's true, and who am i to lie?

"Shit," Louis curses, running his hand through his damp hair. "I messed up, again!" He takes a deep breath before going back over to the radio and starting the song over. I watch as he starts the routine over, his body moving gracefully and effortlessly along to the music, and i get lost in the beauty of it all. He only messes up once, he only stumbles a bit, and he's angry again.

"Why can't i get this? Everyone else has got it. I can't get that fucking leap right." He mumbles, stopping the music altogether and grabbing a bottle of water. I think you were wonderful, Lou. You're always wonderful. I write when he walks over to me. He smiles down at me and i smile up at him from my cross legged position on the shiny floor.  "Thank you Harry," He says, sitting in front of me. "But it think i need to lose just a few more pounds before i can ace that leap. At least, that's what my instructor says." He says, looking at his legs. No you don't, just more practice is all. He smiles again, a small but genuine smile. 

"LEWIS!"

We both turn to see Eleanor standing in the door, a large grin gracing her flawless features. My heart sinks at the sight of her, and then the sight of Louis' large smile, and then my eyes start to burn  and shit i'm going to cry. I look away when he stands to go greet her, closing my eyes tightly. "Oh hey Harry." She says, much closer now. I turn to see her, now standing in front of me, her tiny hand wrapped around Louis' just as small one. I force a smile and a small wave before looking down to the ground, ignoring the look Louis gives me.

"Not to sound rude but, what are you doing here?" Louis asks. "Is it a crime to want to see my boyfriend?" Eleanor responds, slightly defensive. "Uh, no, no," Louis rushes. "Just wondering is all. This is supposed to be kind of a private thing, ya know? Try to get him out of his box, just him and I." Louis says, chuckling nervously. "I don't see the point, he doesn't talk. How can you even put up with him?" Eleanor snaps.

I clear my throat and wipe at my burning eyes, am i supposed to pretend like i'm not here? "El, stop." Louis says exasperatedly. "No, i'm just saying. Doesn't it get annoying, like having a little depressed puppy following after you?" Eleanor chuckles, like it's the funniest fucking thing. "He's right there!" Louis shouts, and i can tell he pulls his hand away. "I could care less, really," Eleanor says. "He won't do anything. Just look at him, he's...fucking weird."

"Freak. idiot. Stupid. Mute. Shit. Worthless. Useless."

I quickly stand before rushing out the door, grabbing and tugging at my hair when i'm out of sight. I lean against the white wall, sliding down to the cold ground as I let out a silent sob. "Dumb ass. Weirdo. Deranged. Demented. " I burry my face into my knees and tangle my fingers in my hair.

"Freak! idiot! Stupid! Mute! Shit! Worthless! Useless! Weirdo! Deranged! Demented! "

"Stop, stop, please stop!" I cry into my knees.

"You're such a useless fag, why don't you just kill yourelf already?"

"Yea, no one would care anyway."

I clutch my head as I walk down the hallway, closing my eyes and whispering encouraging things to myself.

"Just die already!"

"Everyone hates you."

I sniffle quietly, rounding the corner onto my hall.

"Oh, here comes the little faggot!" Someone sneers, pushing me into a locker.

"You useless little shit! Why are you still here?"

"JUST DIE ALREADY!"

"YOU'RE JUST A WASTE OF SPACE!"

"No, no, no! STOP! STOP!" I cry, squeezing my eyes shut, trying desperately to block out the endless string of insults, but somehow they manage to make there way into my head, and then it goes black.

"Harry?" A soft voice whispers, sounding like a delicate rose would, soft and sweet, pulling me back into reality. I jump up, and take deep breaths, looking anwhere but into Louis' concerned eyes. "Harry?" He repeats, placing a hand on my shoulder. I jump and take a couple steps back, now staring into his wide, fearful eyes with an almost warning look. "I..I'm sorry about Eleanor,"He offers, taking half a step closer. "She's actually usualy really lovely I-"

I shake my head and turn away from him thinking Is he an idiot? "Please just...stop...stop crying please," He almost begs, wrapping his tiny hand around my bicep. "I really just...listen to me!" He pleads, tugging on my arm a bit. If he only knew.. I turn to face him, but let my eyes fall to my shoes, still wiping my cheeks raw. "I really just want to...I actually don't know what I want. I want to...um," I let a small smile spread across my face, making his whole face light up. "You think i'm an idiot," He chuckles, looking down too."I don't know i kind of...do-do you like tacos?"

I smile up at him and nod, taking my bottom lip between my teeth. "Right, i forgot of course you like tacos," he says, shaking his hea and letting his eyes advert to the ground. I smile fondly at him, wanting nothing more than to just touch him. That's not too much, right?

"Well I know a place just up town that has the best taco's. Maybe...maybe i could take you? Like, tonight?" He asks, looking up at me now. I bite back a grin as i nod rapidly, making him chuckle. "I'll come get you then. 7? Is 7 good?" He asks, letting his hand fall from my arm. I nod again, and look back at my shoes when he grins. "Ok i'll uh-i'll see you at 7 then." He says, taking a step back as i smile up at him. He blushes and waves before turning and walking back into the room, muttering something under his breath, and I can't help but to grin.