Divergent: Four's POV

Chapter 20

We walk quietly toward the Pit, hand in hand as the events of the past half hour run through my head. This girl has seen my deepest, darkest fears and yet she is still here with me, holding my hand. She seems to me uncomfortable holding my hand. I know this is a new experience for her. That was always one thing I didn't like about Abnegation. They think that to be selfless you have to forgo physical contact with others that is selfish to want to feel someone's touch. But it is human nature to crave the feel of another person.

To try to calm her, I run my thumb back and forth across the palm of her hand. She seems to relax a little, but she tightens her grip and pulls herself closer against my shoulder. I get the feeling that she has me, and she is never going to let me go. That thought brings a smile to my face. I know that I'm already falling for her; I know that I could make a life with this girl if she'll have me. But I have to suppress these feelings right now. It is too soon and she is too young to think about things like that. But I can wait. I could wait forever for her.

We continue to walk silently toward the chasm, enjoying each other's company. The silence is natural, not uncomfortable at all. I thought I might be uncomfortable with her once she learned about all of my fears, about Marcus. But I'm not. I'm relieved that someone finally knows the truth about my horrible father. I know she's heard about the reports from the Erudite that accuse him of being abusive. I also know that the Abnegation don't believe a word of it. If she didn't believe before, she certainly will believe now.

She stood up to my fear, forcing me to stand up for her. I couldn't do it for myself, but I would stand up against anyone for her. I proved that to myself when I finally, for the first time really stood up to Marcus, even if it was just in a simulation. It gives me hope that someday I will be able to really stand up for myself and finally feel worthy of Dauntless.

"So," she says after a few minutes of silence. "Four fears."

"Four fears then, four fears now." I say nodding. "They haven't changed, so I keep going in there, but... I still haven't made any progress."

"You can't be fearless, remember? Because you still care about things. About your life."

"I know." I tell her.

I wonder if she has memorized everything I have ever told her. All through the simulation, she kept reminding me of everything that I ever told her to help her get out of the simulations. Hearing her remind me helped me to remember why I was there and what I needed to do to get through and move on. Maybe since she went with me, my fears will have changed slightly. I guess I'll see next time I go.

We walk along a narrow path that leads to the bottom of the chasm. I found this two years ago when I was an initiate. I would come down here to escape from the rest of the initiates. I was desperate to get away from the noise and chaos of the compound. I especially needed to get away from Eric. He was always so competitive with me and always challenging me when the training day was done. He couldn't handle coming in second to a 'stiff.' So I came here to get away from everything. Even now this is one of my favorite spots, next to the training room. I still love to come here to clear my head when I can't seem to make sense out of life in Dauntless anymore.

We continue winding our way down the path when she asks me the question that I know she has been desperate to ask.

"You were going to tell me about your aptitude test results."

"Ah," I say rubbing the back of my neck with my hand. "Does it matter?"

"Yes, I want to know."

"How demanding you are." I smile.

I know that eventually she needs to know that I'm also divergent. But she is in so much danger right now, I can't risk telling her that and having them use it against her to break her down somehow.