Sympathy for the Devil

30

My Dad is not my Dad. My mom set me up for failure from the get-go. I felt defenseless against fate. I was running on borrowed undead time.

It wasn't fair.

I know that people are starving across the world who have it worse, but I selfishly let my problems take priority in my mind. I felt guilt settle in my stomach. It was becoming a natural feeling.

I left my brother again. I keep leaving. It's all I'm good for lately. I left him mid-sentence. I couldn't give him his sister back as much as I would have liked to.

I couldn't give him anything. There was no closure in our goodbye. Most don't get the chance to say goodbye correctly. We did, and I failed to take it. I Irish goodbyed my own brother. I left without a trace. A silent escape to a room that doesn't conform to who I am—a blank slate.

My reactions were visceral and raw. Every blocked feeling shot to the decaying surface. I was born to be a pawn in a fucked up chess game. I kept things going according to plan. I played the part perfectly. I will not be their pawn any longer.

I don't have a curfew or a parent to parent me. I'm primarily on my own unless I have a soul to collect. The loneliness stung. I didn't have to be alone anymore, but I couldn't go back to before. Bennett and Killian shared harbored secrets with me. It made me feel less isolated, but I still felt the depths of my loneliness when they weren't here.

I wanted Killian to fuck the sadness out of me.

"No, Ellie," Killian's voice stormed. "It would only ruin fucking if we fucked this way. I only make sweet love." He whispered seductively in my ear. It wasn't sweet nothing's. It was sweet everything's.

He, as usual, had a direct line to my thoughts.

"Is kissing on the table?" I curled deeper into his arms.

"Always." Killian kissed me sweetly on my lips. "Are you sure about school tomorrow?" Killian spoke after our lips were apart. "I would much rather spend tomorrow in bed with you. Having a lazy day full of streaming and junk food seems like a nice change."

I nodded slightly, even though I wasn't sure. I had to do something. My old ambitions were coming back. Before things took a brutally sadistic turn, I was an overachiever. I participated in clubs and school functions. If there was a school play or musical, I was in it as the lead. Out performing Wren Atkins is merely an added bonus.

Killian kissed me lightly again.

"What was that for?" I asked as I propped my head up on his shoulder blade.

"To ease your mind. You were a few seconds away from belting a musical medley in your mind. I'm selfishly sparing myself."

"You love it," I spoke mid-giggle.

"I love you. That's the difference."

I faltered in my following words.

Killian groaned into my side.

He loves me. Killian Fuck Me Parrish loves me.

"I'm going to shower."

He flashed out right before I said the sentimentalities of the three worn words back. He was vulnerable for once, and I didn't have time to be vulnerable back.

I love him too. It seems so sudden, but also right. I've always known how I felt about him. My feelings for him were easy, even when we were bickering. He challenged me in the best of ways. I want to think I challenged him back.

An hour passed, and I stayed up, distracting my mind from the wars brewing inside. Bennett briefly stopped by to drop off my transcripts for school and a backpack full of school supplies for my first day. He didn't stay long because of his curfew. His parents are always strict about staying out late in the city. My parents were like that, too. We didn't have time to hash out my latest family drama bomb. In a way, I was thankful not to dwell on what occurred. Bennett is always there for me. He is due for a break.