Although it's the First Time

Chapter Twenty-two: More Than Liking

His eyebrows furrowed together in a serious matter showing that he was in deep thought, but he remained speechless. I had waited for his response, but no excuses sprouted from his lips as he sat still and fumbled with his fingers.

I remember wishing for just a few moments that would allow me to read what was on his mind. To understand if those were his only intentions... or if there was more.

After that sudden confession, I quietly stumbled back home.

Vincent, despite my complaints, had trailed along behind me that evening. Making sure that I made it home safe.

I remember stopping in my tracks a few times to turn back and glare at him in attempt to make him stop. I'm sure he knew what I was trying to suggesting with each stare, but nonetheless followed through with his plans.

A few days later I heard the other baseball players teasing him for skipping out on practice then obediently taking a lecture from the coach. Of course I felt responsible for this, but after thinking about it long and hard, it technically wasn't my fault that he had gotten in trouble. He personally chose to follow me home.

About a month after, Mother and Dad had announced that they had officially set up an appointment for me with Dr. Charles Henry. We were to leave for New York after I took the final exams.

This left me with a full month filled with awkward encounters. Everyday, he'd politely greet me in the hallways. Every now and then, Vincent would glance at me with an apologetic tint in his eyes, but I refused to accept it. From what I noticed, he even stopped with his "player" ways.

Eventually, I couldn't bear it anymore. I had to end our relationship officially and cleanly. To put my mind at peace before moving away and starting again.
Those were the reasons I gave myself.

Although, in all honesty, those reasons were nothing but excuses. In truth, I couldn't bear to see him so introverted and quiet. He'd changed. I didn't want him to change. Sure, he had his flaws, but doesn't everyone? Aren't flaws what help us better ourselves?
I liked him the way he was. I didn't want him to change. Not because of a microscopic high school scandal.

Conjuring up all the courage I could manage, I tiptoed up the chilled tiles of the cement stairs to the school's rooftop.

Not surprisingly, Vincent was there. The light breeze swept his night dark hair to the side while he leisurely sat against the wall of the school. His head hung back, exposing his long neck, looking out aimlessly into the clouded blue sky. His arms were loosely crossed over his chest, legs outstretched. Vincent's eyebrows furrowed together while deep in thought, oblivious to my entrance.

My breaths came rapidly with each quiet step toward him. Every cell in my mind told me to turn around to forget it, but every nerve in my heart forced my muscles to continue walking toward that guilt filled boy.

"Hey."

Vincent's head snapped right over toward me. He scrambled to his feet within seconds and his eyes enlarged greatly with every approaching step I took.

"Violet–"

"I'm leaving," I interrupted. "Due to medical problems. I have to leave."

He stared speechlessly. A few times, he'd open his mouth as if to say something, but quickly closed it before any sound could be made. The silence was lightly blanketed by the whispers of the wind.

"When do you leave?" He suddenly asked. I looked up from the ground. My throat seemed to have dried just as I was going to respond and my hands grew clammy.

"Two weeks. I'm moving to New York," I said, barely above a whisper. His eyes narrowed as I  continued.

"Don't gloom over this. It's weird seeing you so sad and lifeless. It's obviously not the first time you've done this to a girl, so I should be no different. But if it bothers you that badly, I'll forgive you," I muttered. He watched quietly as continued.

"I guess it my fault too, huh?" I lightly chuckled. "For being so stupid, so naive and gullible. Believing that you, or anybody would actually like me. I'm probably the world's greatest fool."

His emotionless eyes remained locked on me as I raised my hanging head. Another silence fell between us.

"Don't mope around anymore. Continue on happily. I forgive you," and with that I left. I'm sure he had something to say, but whatever it was, it would have to wait. Forever.

At the time I couldn't bear to hear another excuse from him. I really liked him, but he had broken my trust for him and if he had even muttered a single word out, I don't think I would've been able to handle it. We may have only been teenagers who knew each other for less than a year, but nothing could change the fact that we had something in that small amount of time. Something real.

That was last time we spoke until D-day had finally arrived.

Everything was packed up and ready for New York. Dad's job transferred him to the New York branch with ease and Mother was happy to spend her bulks of cash on my spinal issues. For that, I can say that I was truly grateful, but I don't know if I can say that I was ready to say goodbye.

Before leavings to the airport, the Jenkins and Roberts stopped by to say their farewells. No doubt, Vincent was also their. His eyes were filled with guilt and regret still.

Mr. and Mrs. Roberts pulled me into a hug before Ms. Jenkins and Suzy. Wishing me luck and blessing me with a loving farewell. Then it was Vincent's turn. Hesitantly, he pulled me into a tight embrace. If I remember correctly, it was also an abnormally long embrace. What I do remember correctly, were the sorrowful words he whispered into my ear before we parted.

"I don't deserve it. Don't forgive me."

Some may think it dramatic of me to be so "heartbroken" at the age of 16, but what is not understood is that we were really there. We existed in those heartfelt moments and in those moments were sincere feelings. It was real.

When I was with him, I was undeniably happy. All the emotional stress I had endured since my mom's death and diagnosis of scoliosis, just seemed to have diminished when I was with him.

I may have said that I only liked him, but it more than just liking.
Nothing, not even the excuses I give my self now as an adult, could deny the fact that did love him. That he was my first love.