The New Guy // Phan

3

TRIGGER WARNING

I stand, taking in every inch of my reflection. My hideous blue eyes that look grey, my beak of a nose and my vile pointed lips. I move onto my gross pale reflection against my horrible black hair. My eyes travel down the rest of my body.

You're fat Phil.

You're ugly.

You're fat.

No one likes you.

No one ever will.

"GET OUT!" I scream, hitting my head, pulling my hair and letting the tears fall as if to help me drown my sorrows by drowning myself.

Fat

Ugly

Pale

Useless

Why are you still here?

"WHY WON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

You know what I want.

Look down Phil.

Pull those sleeves up and look down at what's there.

Or not there anymore.

"I can't. I can't do this again. GO AWAY!"

You know how to get rid of us for a while. So do it. I know you keep it in your bag. It's a comfort for you. But how will it comfort you, if it's not doing anything?

"I don't... I don't need to.." I say.

Yes you do.

I take a deep breath as I stroke my scars and let the tears flow freely and calmer than before. I step towards my bag to find the sharp metal object that lives in there, hidden in the back pocket. I take it out and stroke my finger across the warn down blade that still contains patches of a murky brown/red.

Do it. Now.

No one will care anyway. Why should they?

"I CAN'T! I CAN'T DO IT! GO AWAY! GET OUT!" I scream, throwing the blade to the floor and freaking out. I tug at my hair, jumping up and down in a tantrum. 

"I CAN'T DO THIS AGAIN!" I scream as I break down into my hands and sob.

"Ph-Phil?" I hear a voice. Dan.

"Dan? DAN GET OUT!" I scream as I run into a cubicle and stand against the door.

"Phil! Phil please let me in!" Dan pleads as I lean against the locked door, trying to push my sobs aside. "Phil?" Dan repeats but then pauses and I hear footsteps walk across the room and back. "Phil. Please.. You didn't.. Did you?" He's found it. The blade. The blade that still has bloodstains on. The one I used to use on a regular basis.

"N-N-No." I choked out between sobs. I hear a deep sigh from the other side of the cubicle door.

"Oh my god you scared me Phil!" He breaths.

"Y-You don't have to worry about me Dan," I say quietly.

"I do Phil. You're my.. My friend.." Dan replies and I can't help the quick intake of breath I take as a tear slips out of my eye.

"Really Dan?" I ask, immediately feeling guilty about what I was about to bring on him.

"Really Phil, now open this door and talk to me. Please?" Dan begs as I begin to slide down the door, clutching my hair and bringing my knees to my chest as I shake my head, soon realizing he can't see me.