Gone Cold. -Luke Hemmings Love Story. AU-

Chapter 28

    I sigh as I hear my alarm go off. I'm half tempted to just turn my alarm off and just not go to school. But, I know I don't have to go. I mean, everything that happened just got out there yesterday. Her funeral is set for a week from tomorrow, part of me wants to not go back until all of that is over with, but I need to go. I can't get that behind on my work. I need to graduate so I can say that I did that much right in life. I know if I missed a whole weeks worth, I'd get discouraged and end up dropping out when all my work sheets are handed to me. I quickly get dressed and do my hair just enough that I don't look like I let a three year old style it for me. I take a look in the mirror and sigh. I look like hell. I have dark circles under my red eyes and my face is completely stripped of color.
I walk down stairs and take a deep breath. I know exactly what I'm getting myself into by going today. It's going to be the exact same as when I went back to school after losing my mom. Everyone is going to look at me with their sorry eyes. A few people may take sudden interest in me. Conversations with those who used to be the easiest to talk to will become a little uncomfortable reminder of what's really on all of our minds. Or even worse. The criers. People who probably never even had one conversation with her will walk up to me and cry about what an amazing soul she was. I just need to prepare myself.
I walk into the kitchen where Karen is standing over the stove. Her face drops a little as she she's me sitting at the table. "What are you doing awake at this hour?" She asks. "I wasn't expecting you for another hour or so." She says. "Another tough night?"
"I really don't think I slept a wink." I tell her and sigh. "I was laying there awake when my school alarm went off."
"School alarm?" She asks with a half smile. "Don't you turn that off when you're not going to school?"
"Yeah, but I'm going to school today." I explain. "I can't just stop going because something happened. The world doesn't stop turning for anyone. And to be honest, I'd rather be piled with work today than sit around thinking about all that I just lost. I want to keep myself busy."
"Luke, I really don't think that's healthy." She says.
"What is healthy about how I'm feeling right now?" I ask. "I'm sure sitting in my room and crying all day is less healthy than distracting myself for eight hours so I can catch a break from myself."
"Are you sure that you can handle it?" She asks. "You say you're going for a distraction, but you know just as well as I do that everything will be about her today."
"Than maybe I can cry with some other people instead of alone in a bedroom with the door shut." I say. "I'm going. I've made up my mind."
"Alright." She says with a sigh. "Are you hungry? I can make you something before you have to be there."
"I couldn't eat if I tried. I'll bring something small for lunch if it would make you feel better though."
"You know that it would." She says before throwing me a granola bar. "At least try to stomach that much for me, okay?"
"I'll try." I say before putting that in my book bag that I always keep under the table. I know it's a strange place for it, but I keep it there because chances are I won't forget where it is there.
"Want me to drive you?" She offers.
"Please." I say with a half smile. "I could just drive myself, but by the lack of sleep I got, I wouldn't trust myself to. And, I'd rather stick my face onto a hot frying pan rather than take the bus.
"Alright." She says with a small laugh. "Do you want to leave now so we're not late?" She asks.
"Yeah." I say and get my book bag and toss it on my back. I walk out to her car that she rarely keeps locked and go take a seat, waiting for her anxiously. I start shaking my leg, but I soon realize that that annoys me more than help my nerves. I start picking at one of my fingernails and biting my lip ring as she comes and takes her seat on the drivers spot. She soon takes off. The ride there is silent. It wasn't comfortable silence, but it also wasn't uncomfortable. It was clearly because neither of us knew what to say. "Can you do me a favour and tell my dad that I'm at school and that I'm okay when he wakes up?" I ask, half because I don't want him to worry, half because I couldn't handle the silence any longer.
"I don't want to lie to your dad, Luke. Not about how you're doing. Are you really okay?" She asks.
"Of course I'm not okay." I say with a sigh. "Tell my dad that I'm at school and I'm hanging in there." I say.
"I will." She says. "It's not too late to turn back." She offers.
I just shake my head. "I'm going."
"Okay." She says. "If you want to come home at any point, just call me, okay? I will be here in five minutes." She says as we pull up to the school
"Alright." I say. "Thank you."
"No problem. Try to take it easy, okay?"
"I'll try." I say before getting out of the car and walk right up the school steps without looking back at Karen. I know that if I look back, I'll run right down these stairs and go straight home with her. The closer I get to the front door, the less confident I get that I can actually do this. I just need to find someone I know. As I walk into the school, I see a few jaws drop, along with the odd people saying 'He actually came today.' and 'That's the kid who's girlfriend just died, I think.' I just keep looking past them all as I make my way to the nearest bathroom. I go in and light a smoke as I open the window in there. Smoking in here is so against the rules that I could probably get expelled if I were to get caught, but I really don't care. I just need to take my mind off everything for five minutes.
When I'm done my smoke, I pinch the edge and throw the smoke out the window. As I close the window, I automatically think of Kit, and how confused her face always got when I pinched the end of it. As if no matter how many times I told her that it doesn't hurt me anymore, she had a hard time not doubting me. Just as I'm about to walk out of the bathroom Calum walks in. "Holy shit." He says as he sees me. He looks as if he hasn't gotten too much more sleep than I have. "You came." He says. "What the hell are you doing here? It hasn't even been two days."
"You know, this morning when I woke up, I told myself that I'm here because the world doesn't stop and that I can't fall behind in school just because I'm in my own personal hell right now." I tell him. "Now I'm not too sure if I can do this."
"What do you mean you can't do this?" He asks.
"I don't know. You should see the looks I'm getting. I feel like it may be easier to just not finish this year and come back next year when I have a better grasp of what happened."
"That's bullshit and we both know it." He says. "If you drop out, you're not coming back. You need to graduate, man."
"I know." I say and look down at the floor. "Maybe I should have just waited until after her funeral."
"I don't know what to tell you." He says and looks down. "It's nice that you wanted to be here today, though." He says.
"Nice?" I ask. "Why is it nice that I wanted to be here?"
His jaw drops open. "You don't know, do you?" He asks. "Shit."
"What the hell is going on, Calum?" I ask.
"The school is holding a memorial for her today." He says with hesitation. "Nobody thought that you would show."
"You're fucking with me, right?" I ask.
"I wish I were."
"When is it?" I ask.
"I was just about to meet Mikey and Ash so we could go down and sit together." He says. "Want to come down with me?" He asks.
"Yeah." I say before I get a chance to think.
He walks out the bathroom, me not too far behind him, we go to the main floor in the second building in silence as we make our way to the auditorium. Michael and Ashton look over in shock when they see me. I just walk up to them. They also look like hell. They look at me with sad eyes, and I just shrug. My heart starts pounding really fast as we walk into the huge room in silence. "It looks like we're going to have to split up." Ashton says as we take a look around. The place is packed.
"I'll go with Luke." Michael says. "We'll meet you the same place when this is over, okay?" He asks.
"Okay." Ashton says. "I- Just.. Never mind, I'll see you guys later." He says as he walks off with Calum.
Michael and I find the two nearest seats and sit down. We have a pretty good view of the stage. "What's up, man?" Michael asks casually, as if nothing is going on. "I haven't talked to you in a few days, how have you been?"
"You don't have to do that." I say with a half smile. "She's gone. That answers how I've been. Her parents came to my house with a couple boxes full of her stuff, that really answers how I've been. She was texting me when she got into the accident, That's how I've been."
"Yeah, but that is so not your fault." Michael says quickly. "She could have been texting anyone and that would have still happened."
"But it wasn't anyone." I say. "It was me. I shouldn't have texted her when I did. It's all my fault. If I would have waited ten minutes, Kit would have gotten the text then when she was home and then I wouldn't be trying to figure you what to wear to her funeral next week."
"She could have just as easily have been texting me." Michael says. "That wouldn't have made it my fault. And the fact that she was texting you doesn't make it your fault. It's just one of those things. You can't hold onto that, bro. You really can't. It doesn't matter when you texted her, she chose to check her phone."
"Than what do I hang onto?" I ask. "The look on her face when we broke up that night? Like four hours before she died?"
"You were broken up when it happened?" Mikey asks.
"No." I say. "She ran off. I ran after her. We we're fine. We fell asleep and when we woke up, she had to go. That's why I texted her, to tell her I loved her. She sent me one text, but was typing another."
"Oh." He says. "At least you were at a good place when it happened. She didn't die sad, she died feeling loved and wanted."
"When did you find out about what happened?" I ask.
"Yesterday." He says. "That's when everyone found out. They announced it on the intercom. I was in the middle of a math test when I heard it." He says and shakes his head as tears form in his eyes. "Sorry. The last thing you need is me being a big baby right now." He says and quickly wipes under his eye.
"It's fine." I say. "I'm kind of used to it by now. Karen has barely stopped crying since she found out. My dad hasn't been much better. Neither have I."
Michael smiles. "Are you sure you want to sit through this?" He asks. "If you want to skip it, we can go hide out somewhere."
"I want to see this." I say. "What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I didn't even stay long enough for her memorial?"
"One that is still in shock that his girlfriend just died." Michael says.
"I see your point, but I need to stay. It will be practice for her funeral. If I can sit through this and not completely lose it, I can do anything."
"If you do lose it, what happens?" He asks.
I shrug. "I'll figure it out."
Michael opened his mouth to talk, but the principal walks up on the stage and brings one of the smart boards over to the center of the stage before setting that all up. When she's done with that, she goes over to where the microphone is standing and she taps it, to make sure it's working. Sending a thumping sound to echo through the whole room. "Kit Linkin." She starts with. "What can I even say that could come close to summing her up?" She asks. "I remember when I first met her, she was very friendly, but not at all shy. She had met me a few times in my office to talk, she was really a great person to talk to. Everyone should have a Kit in their lives at one point or another."
She pauses for a minute. "When her parents called and informed me about what happened, I dropped the phone. I couldn't believe what happened to her. Just two months away from graduating, she almost made it. But, than she got into a terrible accident due to texting while she was driving. Such a simple mistake, something everyone has done, but she was the one to be taken away because of it."
"Now." She says and takes a breath. "I know that not all of you knew Kit, but she is someone truly worth celebrating. Wither you knew her for a week, a month, a day or a life time. As I look into the audience here, I see a lot of sad eyes." She looks directly into my eyes. "One pair imparticular that I see and my heart breaks even more." She says as I sink down in my seat. At that point I block her out. I can't stand to sit here and talk about how amazing Kit was to a bunch of people who didn't even know she existed. A week will pass and nobody will even remember that she even ever stepped foot into this school, leaving the wounds of everyone close to her ignored.
She rambles on about Kit for a few more minutes before she sets up a slide show on the smart board. I sigh as I realize that is happening. Before I know it, the most overused, yet under appreciated song ever starts playing. Angel by Sarah McLachlan. A bunch of pictures of her show up, one by one. Some of her just around the school doing the silly things that she'd do. Some of her with me, also doing those foolish things. I see one of let laying down as Michael, Ashton and Calum are all holding her. One of her and Harper shows up. Than, one of her and I kissing pop up. That's when the fact that I'll never get to kiss her again hits me. I'll never be able to feel her warmth on a cold night, or play with her hair as she tells me little stories from her past.
Tears start building up in my eyes as the slide show ends. I can't stay here and listen to this for any longer. I get up and run out of the room. I was the only one to do that. When I'm down the hall a little bit, I rest my arm on the wall, then rest my head on that, so nobody can see my face as tears start pouring down it. She's really gone.
"Luke?" I hear the voice that I dread the most say.
"What the fuck do you want, Harper?" I ask, not looking up at her. She's the last person that I want to see me like this.
"She was my friend too." She says. "Maybe we can help each other through this." She says. "I don't like you, you don't like me, but we have something major in common. We both loved Kit. For her sake, can't we try to get along long enough to honour her memory?" She asks.
I was just going to tell her to fuck off, but as much as I hate to admit it, she's right. "Yeah. Okay." I say and sigh. I really don't want to spend any time with her. I just want to say peace out and leave her standing there alone, but I don't.
"Come with me." She says and puts her hand on my arm. I quickly pull away from her touch. "I won't look at you, I promise." She says.
"Whatever." I say.
"Just follow me." She says. I sigh and walk down the hall behind her. She takes me to the cafeteria and than outside to the steps where I would go to eat lunch alone. She takes a seat down on the step, and I sit down beside her. Not close enough to touch, but close enough to do Kit a solid by having a conversation with her.
"You hate me enough to tell me the truth, right?" I ask.
"What do you mean?" She asks.
"Just- You hate me enough to tell me anything that could hurt my feelings, right?" I ask.
"Defiantly." She says. "What's up?"
"Kit- She was." I clear my throat so I can have a stronger voice. "When she got into the accident. She was texting me. So, it's my fault she's gone, right?" I ask.
"No, Luke. It wasn't your fault that Kit died." She says. "Even I admit that."
"Okay." I say. "How have you been?" I ask.
"Terrible." She says with a slight laugh. "Kit was the only person who ever talked to me. And, I get it. I really do. I get why. But, she was the only friend that I've ever had. Even you don't know what that's like. I'm not saying that this is worse on me, but I'm explaining why I cared for Kit so much."
"Before I met Kit I was a really bad person." I say. "Maybe I still am. I don't know. I was rude, I was a borderline alcoholic. I could be easily talked into just about anything. I even almost got a rose tattoo once. Like, how stupid would that have been?" I say. "I was an arrogant asshole that cared about myself and myself only. I was a dick to everyone that I came in contact with, but Kit brought me back. Kit made me who I am now."
"Look, you know I don't like you, but can we just stop being enemies?" She asks. "Kit hated how much we hate each other."
"Are you trying to hit on me?" I ask.
"Hell no." She says. "I like girls. I always knew it deep down, but thought it was wrong, but Kit told me that it's okay to like girls, so now I'm okay with it. Luke, I would rather drink a smoothie made of spiders and snots than see your penis."
"Oh thank god." I say. "Than yeah. Let's call a truce. For Kit's sake." I say and wipe my face off, than stick out my hand. "Shake on it. It's what you have to do."
"Whatever." She says before shaking my hand.
I stand up after that. As does she. We go back to where the auditorium is and we stand in the hall not really saying anything. "So, is there any specific girl you like?" I ask her.
"Are you kidding me?" She asks. "High school lesbians are all over each other already. Even they outcast me, and I'm one of them."
"You'll find the right girl someday. I'm sure you have something to offer someone who likes whatever you do."
"You'll find one too." She says.
"Nah, I've always made this promise with myself where I don't fall in love with a lesbian." I joke.
"Very funny." She says and rolls her eyes. "But seriously. You'll find love again."
"I'm not sure that I want to." I say.
"Maybe someday you'll change your mind." She says.
"I don't think. Kit Kat is all I want. Now that she's gone, I feel like nobody can offer me anything that I have the slightest interest in."

I sigh in relief as I find a chair at the funeral reception. The funeral was one of the hardest things I've ever had to sit through. But, I did it. I managed to do it without having a complete melt down. All in all it was a good service. Though I had never really understood the point of funerals. It's not like the person who died is going to know how many people showed up, how many people cried and how many people only came because they felt obligated. Instead of a funeral, I just want everyone to blast my favourite records with a framed picture of me next to my ashes. That's another thing I've realized. I don't want to be buried. The thought of being buried for eternity seems worse than anything else I can think of. I didn't know almost anyone at her funeral, but I suppose she moved around a lot as a kid, so a lot of the people would have been old friends that she had made throughout the years.
"Here." Karen says as she hands me a plate that she stuffed full of food. "I knew you wouldn't get anything yourself, and I didn't know what you'd like, so I got you a little bit of everything."
"No thank you." I say handing the plate back.
"You've barely eaten a bite of anything all week, Luke." She says. "Humour me and take one of the mini sandwiches."
I roll my eyes and take one of them, I don't even pay attention to which I grab. I'm too un-hungry to notice what any of it tastes like. I shove the whole thing in my mouth and barely manage to down it without spitting it out.
"Thank you, sweetie." She says and walks away with the plate.
I look around to see if I can spot anyone I know. Michael, Ashton and Calum are here, but they're at the food table. "Luke!" I hear two identical voices say to me at the same time. I look over to see Olivia and Sophia, they run towards me and both wrap their arms around me at the same time. I just wrap my arms around them in hopes that this hug from hell is over soon. "I don't care if you are a punk, Kit loved you so much." One of them say, to be honest, even though Kit says they're not identical, I can't tell who's who if my life depended on it.
"I don't know if I'd call myself a punk." I say with an awkward smile as they let go of me.
"You are. You have a lip ring. But, that's not what's important. Kit was the only person that ever treated us like we're two people instead of a package deal. You we're able to make her happy, so it doesn't matter what you are, you're a good person in our eyes." The other one says.
"That is both the most judgemental and sweetest thing I've heard in awhile, thanks guys!" I say before they both run off to do something or another.
"Are you ready to go back to your house?" Michael asks as he walks up to me. Him, Ashton and Calum are staying over at my place tonight. They insisted that I shouldn't be alone tonight. I guess I appreciate that.
"Yeah." I say and take one last look around. "Let's go." I say before we all head back to my car, which Ashton is driving. He is a fast driver, so we get to my house before Karen and my dad do, but I really don't mind. This is the first time they've slept over at my house since before my mom died.
"Are we going to do the same thing we always did for sleeping arrangements?" Ashton asks as they walk upstairs with their bags.
"Yeah." I say and run upstairs behind them. "I'll get the mattress from the spare room now." I say as I go past both of my brothers rooms and to the room that we had visiting family members sleep on. I drag that into my room and plop it down on the floor. "Who is sleeping where?" I ask as I sit on my bed. We do two per mattress, so two people take my bed and two people take the spare mattress.
"I'll take your bed with you." Calum says. "It's way more comfy than the mattress on the floor.
"Thanks you selfish bastard!" Michael says as Calum smiles smugly as he plops down beside me on my bed.
As the night goes on, they keep talking about everything, yet nothing all at once. They talk video games, and prom. How none of them have dates and how much that blows. They talk graduation and what they want to do when they're done school. What they're trying to do is obvious. They're trying to distract me so I won't think about Kit. I play along so that way they don't worry, but she's all that I can think about. Understandably so, I'd say.
Before too long, they're all passed out. I can't sleep. I just lay there awake as the sound of Calum snoring fills my room. I consider taking one of my sleeping pills, but I don't think that that would work, so I just decide to get up and walk around my house some. I wrap myself up in my blanket and Kit's sweater that I have hidden under my pillow before quietly sneaking out of my room, managing not to wake any of them up. I walk downstairs first, down to the kitchen. To my surprise, Karen isn't awake. She's usually always awake. I go to the fridge and take a couple sips out of the milk container. I then sit down at the table as I rest my head on Kit's sweater. Her scent is still on it, and I hope it stays there forever.
Not too long after that I decide that I should go back upstairs and try to sleep. But not in my room. I can't sleep in my room. I go down the hall to Jack's old room and open the door. Everything is exactly the way he had left it. I'll just tell the boys in the morning that I must have waken up to pee though the night and accidentaly went into the wrong room. I close the door behind me as I go collapse down on Jack's bed. cover myself up with my blanket and hold Kit's sweater close to my face as I inhale her scent some more. "Today was one of the worst days ever, Kit Kat." I say quietly. "I had to hug your little friends. They still think I'm a punk." I say and smile. "You know, I've been thinking about it, I think that I may actually go to collage. I never wanted to before. But, I think that would make you proud. I just want to make you and my mom proud. At least now you've gotten to meet my mom. But, I'd do anything to have you here with me. I can still feel your warmth sometimes." I say as tears start building in my eyes. "I miss you so much. So fucking much. I've hated every second I've had to spend away from you, and knowing you're not coming back is killing me." I say as a tear rolls down my nose. "But, I know that I'm always going to miss you. That goes without being said. You taught me that pain is always going to be there, but it's how you deal with it that matters. So, I promise you that I'm going to make you proud, Kit Kat. I love you so much. Good night." I say before closing my teary eyes.