~16~

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Gilinsky

"Thank you Chicago, see y'all soon!!" I yell exiting the stage going to the back.

"Y'all guys that was amazing!" Scarlett yells at me and Jack, making me smile wildly. She runs over with her arms opened, ready for a 'congratulations hug' I open my arms getting ready to embrace my love, but she runs past me. Hugging Jack. Leaving me with a frown and rubbing my neck awkwardly.

I turn the other direction going over Mahogany and Matt, but not helping to turn one more time to look at them, but only my heart breaks more when I see they are now sharing a kiss.

That should be me.

Instead of going over to Mahogany and Matt, I walk out of the building along with my belongings heading back to the bus that is vacated. Leaving me only to have the company of loneliness, like the old days.

Just me and my thought leaving me to wonder how I messed up on not opening up my big mouth, and instead, closing it. Holding in my feelings that don't even matter now that my spot has been replaced.

I sigh throwing my backpack, that hold in water bottles and a couple of extra clothes along with my wallet, on to the couch that is at the entrance of the bus.

I look around the bus, only having some bags of chips on top of the table along with empty soda cans. Nothing special, just like my life.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all this, if you would've asked me if I was going to become famous four years ago, I would probably laugh in your face, then apologize for laughing in your face before you punch me.

I have always been in the dark. Always.

Before Scarlett, before me having one friend, before her. I was a mess. I would literally go home crying because I didn't understand.

I didn't understand what I have done to deserve the cruel people at school to taunt me, or hit me, or treat me like I'm not even a human being.

I remember when I was ten, getting pushed around in a circle of boys from my class. And when one of them pushed me too hard, and I fell, they took it as a chance to kick me while screaming mean words in my ear. That day I knew it wouldn't be the last of mean people, it wouldn't be the last time I will get beaten up.

It wouldn't be the last time I would wish to die so bad.

Over the years people grew up, I grew up. People got meaner, I just became a bigger target. Two weeks before Scarlet helped me in freshman year, I almost committed. And sometimes I wish that my mother didn't get send home early from work to come see me in the bathroom with a empty tylenol pill bottle and two slit wrist. When I was left alone in the hospital, because my mother had to go to work the following day, I prayed. I prayed for a savior, or even worst, death.

I was hung up on the idea that there wasn't going to be anyone there for me.

A week later, my savior came, Scarlett.

We instantly became best friends, she never left me like I thought she would.

But I fell in love with my angel.

I knew she would never see me like that.

Well I thought she would never see me more than a friend, but we were just friends.

Till Kelly made a video of someone pretending to be Scarlett, made fun of her, told her deepest secrets in the video.

That day I wetness Scarlett turn into the depressed me. She hated herself, and I blamed myself for it. Because I knew if Scarlett was seen breathing the same air as me, she would become a bigger target.

That's the thing I always hated, because I knew I was the reason.

Then Johnson came into our lives. I knew instantly that my chances with her will now be even more slim than they were before. But I couldn't help but love her, but while loving her, she fell in love with someone else.

And I now feel alone, like I used to, know I feel lost because she was my compass.

I feel jealous that I'm not the one who she cuddles with at night, I'm not the one she kisses, I'm not the one she calls hers.

I know it sounds selfish, but I can't help it.

I lifted my head from my hands, looking out the window that is in front of the couch i'm sitting on. Seeing her smile and laugh at some joke Jake said, with a hand interlocked with Jack's.

She looks happy.

A tears slips from my eye looking at her smile and know I'm not the reason.

It's best to let her go, right?

Let her be happy.

She deserves it.

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