Years. (Phan)

三番目 - Three

Daniel James Howell
Age: 8
Time: 4:17pm
Home/Wokingham,UK. June 11, 1999.

I woke up today and mum kissed me on the forehead, dad just smiled. 

He'd seemed a lot more sad lately and i'd never asked why, I guess I just accepted it and smiled back.

He has to be okay though, Dad's can't be sad all the time because they have to look after their kids when they're sad.

I'm sitting in the classroom now, and everyone has just sang happy birthday to me.

My friend Alby sang you smell like a monkey and you look like one too, instead of actually singing the proper song, so I pushed him off his chair.

He fell with a loud thud and the whole of the room went quiet, and then Alby started to cry and hold his knee. 

I got sent out of the room even though it's my birthday today and I mean, I didn't mean to hurt Alby. He sang the silly song instead of the nice one. 

I started to cry when I sat outside. 

I don't like when people see me cry because i'm a boy and boys don't cry. 

Boys are strong and manly and have muscles and kiss girls even though girls are yuck.

I sat outside before lunch and tucked my head into my knees.

I felt somebody tap on my arm.

It was Phil.

It was his birthday today as well, but we didn't sing for him.

He looked down at me with big eyes and motioned for me to move over.

I slid across the pavers and let him sit beside me.  

He brushed the hair from my eyes where it was all wet and sticky from my tears and pushed my fringe behind my ear.

Then he slid his hand down my arm and grabbed mine.

He held it tightly until the door clicked and he slid it back in his pocket.

"Danie- Oh, And Philip. You're allowed to come back inside now darling, and i'm sorry I had to send you out on your birthday" Said Miss Jacobs.

Miss Jacobs was pretty, she had very very long brown hair and very long eyelashes that danced when she laughed.

"Philip I didn- I didn't even hear you leave the room petal, how did you get out here?" 

 I looked over at Phil and he shrugged and pulled himself up, He offered me his hand again, this time to get up.

Phil's hands were very bony and skinny, he had very long fingers and all these weird red marks on his knuckles.

Holding Phil's hand was nice, because even though his fingers were thin, and even though his hands were skinny, it felt like electricity was running through my wrists when he looped his fingers into mine.

When I got home, mum was lying near the front door and her eyes were bloodshot, and she was just staring into nothing at all. She was all pale and her face was glistening from tears.

I lent down and asked her what was wrong.

She got up and kissed me on the head.

She hugged me harder than I've ever been hugged, and that's saying something because Grandma Josie's hugs crush your bones.

"Daniel- I, Well. Your father" She sniffled, burying her head into my shoulder, even though I was shorter than her.

"What's wrong? Is Daddy sad again?" I said, hoping that he was in fact fine and just waiting around the corner room with a cake on the table littered with candles, waiting patiently for me to arrive home so that I could run into his arms from the front door and be lifted onto his shoulders and kissed all over my face like he used too when I was a little younger.

"Sweetheart, Daddy died"

I'm Daniel James Howell, and today my hands felt numb, and my body felt too heavy, and it was my birthday. But it didn't feel like it at all.