Years. (Phan)

五番目- Five

Daniel James Howell
Age: 9
Time: 7:24pm
Home/Wokingham,UK. June 11, 2000.

I can't stand birthdays anymore, they're all the same.

Mum doesn't make me dress up for anything anymore because no one ever comes around our house.

After dad died we just stopped inviting people, I'd gotten cards in the mail, but I just took the ten pounds out of each and thrown them away without reading.

Mum told me this was rude, and I said that birthday cards all had the same thing written in them anyway, and it didn't matter which one I read, they'd all just say "Happy birthday Dan, - insert middle comical bit of the card- love name"

She said it was selfish, and I just said it was true.

All of my friends stopped talking to me halfway through last year because I'd missed a whole term, and I guess they'd gotten bored of waiting for me.

I hadn't told anyone that dad died and I don't think I needed to, because they all just kept their distance now.

The teachers gave me sad looks, and sad smiles.

Of course they knew, when mum wrote my leave down she'd have had to give a reason for me wallowing at home for the next 3 months.

And I just looked away every time, because I can't deal with the sad things anymore.

I get them at home too, the stupid sad smiles like the one she'd flashed when I'd gotten home and she handed me a slice of cake from a big chocolate one she'd made, with a big nine candle in the middle, chocolate sprinkles on top, and gooey thick icing and nine other sparkly black candles surrounding the nine, I hadn't touched the slice she'd given me, instead just staring blankly at the roof beams that she'd strung some pink and blue streamers around.

Pink and blue, like my room.

"Daniel. Honey you really should eat my love I kno-"

"I'm. Not. Hungry. Thanks" I said, pushing the plate in front of her.

She gave me a sad look, and pushed the plate in front of me.

"Dan please don't argue with me I know you'r-"

"You don't know what I am, leave it. Give it to henry"

She sighed loudly and picked up the plate still in front of me.

"Dogs can't eat chocolate cake Daniel!" she said, waving the plate in front of my face.

I pushed it out of her hand and it landed flat on the table.

"Then why don't you eat it? I don't want it"

I stuck my nose at her and stared up at the roof again.

"But its! It's birthday cake you love bi-"

"Loved" I spat bitterly and sat like a stone faced gargoyle at the head of the table.

She sighed at stared at me "You really should try and get better Daniel, i'm trying for you why can't you try for me? He was my best friend too"

I just got up and left, I don't want to listen to her anymore.

I strode over to the old den which was now my room and slammed the door behind myself.

I locked it and stood my back against it, sliding down the wood grain and feeling my palms collect splinters.

I thought about today whilst in a pool of my own misery.

Phil Likes boys.

He told a girl in my English class called Lucy Cameron, he'd been friends with her for a few months and I think she was the first person to talk to him (like, properly) in the class.