My Heaven

He said "Forever"

I sink down onto my bed. What just happened? My eyes sting with tears and I can barely breathe. I play the conversation we just had over and over again in my head. That fucking bastard. I told him I didn't want to get attached and he promised he wouldn't leave, but he broke that promise. He's going to die somewhere in France, and I won't even know because they won't bother to get his body back. I'll just have to move on with my life like nothing happened. Like I didn't just meet the love of my life.

I pull my gloves off as quickly as I can as if the white fabric burned me. I throw the gloves across the room while a broken sob leaves my lips. I bury my face in my hands, trying to suppress my tears but I can't. That fucking asshole. I just did my makeup and now he ruined it. I close my eyes but all I see in the darkness is him. Michael. His messy brown hair, his skin sparkling in the sun, his soft lips, his sharp jawline, that mole on his cheek, his beautiful eyes that are always filled with warmth. I can still hear his deep laugh almost as if he's in front of me now. But he isn't. I threw him out in my rage. I feel sad, hurt, betrayed, angry, but most of all I'm worried. I'm scared. Michael is going to die out there. I won't ever see him again. I'm still mad at him for lying but I should at least say a proper goodbye to the only man I ever loved.

A knock rings out through the room. I look up from my hands and just stare at the door until the knocking happens again. It's three firm knocks. Is it Michael? Is he here to apologize again? I should tell him to fuck off. I don't want to see him, I'm still mad but a part of me wishes he'd hold me close just like he used to. It would make me feel better. Just hearing his voice again would do miracles for me even if I don't want to admit it. I get up from my bed and walk to the door. I take a deep breath and open it.

It's not Michael. It's William. He stands tall in the doorframe. He's wearing black pants and a white shirt. His features are as sharp as always, but his eyes carry a soft warmth that he only has when he looks at me. His black hair is a little messy just like usual it hangs over his forehead. "Hey, Ash. I was thinkin-" William stops mid-sentence, his eyes widening at the sight of me. I don't know how I look but I can imagine it. Tears filling my eyes, mascara running down my cheeks, my lips pressed into a firm line, so I won't sob. His whole-body freezes for about two seconds before he lightly pushes me back inside and follows me, closing the door behind us. He looks at me with concern that I rarely see from anyone. William leans down so we're the same height and takes my face in his hands, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb. He's acting like I'm his little sister.

"Ash... what happened? Why are you crying?" he asks gently like I'm some fragile flower. His focused eyes scan my face and every part of my body for any clues. I shake my head softly making some of my blonde fall in front of my eyes. Shaking my head when I'm in distress is a habit I picked up when I was still living with my dad. Before I can even lift my own hand, William brushes the strand away from my face. I let out a sigh. How do I tell him? I know William wasn't exactly fond of Michael before. What I'm most scared of is him saying I told you so.

"It's Michael. He-" I start saying but William cuts me off as soon as he hears Micheal's name. "Michael?! He made you cry? Where's that fucking bastard?! I'm going to kill him!" William declares, his eyes practically burning like the fiery depths of hell. I reach up and gently grab his hands with mine, pulling them away from my face but still holding them as I shake my head. I find myself defending Michael even though I shouldn't.

"William, it's not his fault. He has to fight in the war, I'm just sad about him leaving and probably dying" I mumble while gripping William's hands hard. The silence stretches as William takes in my words. It's uncomfortable. Really uncomfortable. I feel like I said something wrong. Then I feel William pull his hands away from mine. I'm scared now. Is he disappointed in me for falling for Michael? Does he hate me? I keep my head down and just stare at the wooden floorboards. Suddenly strong arms encircle me. It's William but it feels so much like Michael.

"I'm sorry Ash. I'm really sorry" he whispers into my hair to my surprise. I didn't expect him to understand. I thought he'd still want to murder Michael. For a moment I just stand, not moving, just letting him hold me and comfort me. After a few seconds I wrap my own arms around him. I bury my face in his chest and let my tears fall. For a while we don't say anything. His warm hand just strokes my back softly like I'm the most important thing in the world right now.

"Maybe you should write something to help you with your emotions" William whispers after a long moment of silence. I don't want to write but I feel my head slowly nodding against him. "Okay... I want to be alone" I mumble. I need some time to process everything. William simply nods and pulls away from me. He sends a sympathetic smile and squeezes my shoulder with his warm hand. "Just tell me if you need anything. You don't have to sing tonight if you don't want to. I'll talk to Richard."

I'm left alone in a room that used to belong to two. Now there's only one. For a minute or two I just stand completely still. It's hard to move. It feels like there's weights on my shoulders and chains around my ankles. I take a deep breath and finally walk across the room filled with memories of him. Of us. I sit down in my chair and pull out a paper and something to write with. I don't know what to write. Usually, the words fly out of me, but not today. Do I write about how angry I am? Or my sadness? I start with one word. I. I close my eyes and just write whatever word comes to mind. After a while I finally stop. I have nothing left. I look down at what I wrote.

I saw an angel

I heard the thousand voices of she

I felt the breeze

Rain falling down on me

I swam through the oceans

With nothing to find

I went home

With nothing to call mine

I went through hell

Without my heaven

I saw my god

And was left with seven

I climbed the tallest mountains

With rocks heavy on my back

I stumbled through life

And everything I lacked

So now I stand

Before you so cold

With nothing to take

Even less to bring home

So take me

And make it good

Tear me apart

Just like you should

But I was never, not yesterday, not a year ago. Alone

I sit for a long moment after reading what I wrote. It's terrible. I'd never sing this, but it was good training. Maybe I should try again. Maybe I can actually write something that will make an impact.