You know that feeling? When your waiting. Waiting to get home into your room, close the door fall into bed and just let everything out that you kept in all day. That feeling of both relief and desperation. Nothing is wrong but nothing is right either and your tired. Tired of everything tired of nothing. And you just want someone to be there and tell you it's ok.
But no ones going to be there. And you know you have to be strong for yourself because no one can fix you. But your tired of waiting. Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else. Tired of being strong. And for once you just want it to be easy. To be simple. To be helped. To be saved. But you know you won't be. But your still hoping. And your still wishing. And your still staying strong and fighting with tears in your eyes. Yea I feel like that everyday.
'Ok cam if I tell you why can you please promise me you won't judge me or look at me different' "I promise Lexi" 'ok here I go'.
'When I was little my life was horrible my dad had been cheating on my mom I was bullied at my old school it was just horrible when my mom found out about my dad she started getting into drugs and alcohol she would say mean things to me like "I was a mistake" and "I'm worthless" and the kids at school would start to say things like that too so it got to the point where I believed them
And everything they were saying so when I would get home I would tell myself over and over that I'm worthless and nobody cares about me I started cutting myself this went on and during my junior year this guy asked me out and I said yes we went out for 9 months and he made me happy so I told him about my cutting and depression and the next day at school
He told everyone about it and he said that I'm a freak and he never liked me and that I should just kill myself I went home that day and shut myself out I cut myself so deep that year that my parents had to take me to the doctor I just couldn't handle it see when I'm upset I shut myself down. I have no motivation for anything I tell myself nobody cares I think of all the negative things I could possibly think of I give myself all the pain thinking I deserve it I've always been like this
"What's depression feel like?" Cam asked me 'it's like drowning except you can see everyone around you breathing' "why do you keep the pain inside tho why don't you talk about it?" 'Cause I keep it all inside because I'd rather the pain destroy me than everyone else' sometimes I wonder at night if I will ever be happy with myself. I worry that if I can't be happy with myself
Then nobody will ever be happy with me, and that just makes me even more paranoid. It's a cycle insecurity, unconfidence, and diffidence it's all a cycle and its destroying me' so that's why I'm like this and I'll tell you something I'm ready to go.
CAMERONS POV
By the time she was done she was in tears and when she said she's ready to go that broke me.
Hello loves I got my stuff back so I'll be updating on my usual days wensdays and Sunday's please like vote and comment what you think
