Rrrring!
I groaned. I did not need this in my life.
Rolling over, I pulled my pillow over my head and snuggled into my blanket. Why was it always so cold? I closed my eyes and began dozing off again. Suddenly, my blanket was ripped off me.
"Come back," I grunted at my blanket, curling into a ball in hopes of staying warm.
"Get up fatass!" Ana called. "I'll get breakfast!" That got me up. Breakfast? Ana? What the hell? Ana never are anything, and never let me eat anything either. What had changed? We agreed on another week of fasting together.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. What if Ana was giving up on me? I knew I was weak, but she said she'd stay with me.
Two and a half week fast than. I'm strong, I can do this.
I smiled. I would not lose Ana.
A few minutes later, she returned with two steaming mugs of tea and two pills. I swallowed mine and smiled.
"God I feel so much better already," she sighed contentedly. She stood up and stretched, her cotton tank top rising up and revealing an inch of toned stomach. She the morning light glowed in an angelic aura around her, giving her an ethereal glow. I sipped my tea and fought back the panic in my throat. How would I ever look as good as Ana? She had a sharp, immaculate face, softened by her big green eyes. Her creamy pale skin was flawless and perfectly accented with her long, espresso tresses. Beside her lithe dancer's body and angelic face, I may as well be a cockroach or something equally horrifying.
Shaking myself, I rose to my feet and plastered a smile on my face. I may not be as pretty as Ana, but she'd promised me an equally flawless body, and I trusted her.
"So yesterday was pretty harsh, right?" she asked, eyes twinkling.
"Right," I said, nodding nervously. I was strong, but Ana was superior. I couldn't handle yesterday again.
"So I figured we could do something different. You know, bonding?" she smiled sweetly.
"YES!" I squealed. "Let's do it!" I was over the moon. Ana though I was worthy enough to hang out again!
~Flashback~
"So, wanna just chill today, maybe go to Starbucks or see a movie?" Ana raised an eyebrow and grimaced.
"I don't really know how to say this, but I don't think that's a good idea." she said flatly. I panicked. She'd finally realized that I was beyond her help. She didn't want to be associated with a fatty like me. I shouldn't have eaten that energy bar. It was technically healthy, but it had 300 calories and 17 grams of fat. 17 grams of fat filling where your thigh gap should be. 300 calories added to your pot belly, if it can get any bigger. 4 grams of sugars jiggling on your arms. I swallowed nervously.
"Ana I-"
"It's not that I don't want to hang out, it's just wherever you want to hang out, there's so much food, and that's not what you need right now." she explained. I sighed with relief, dread no longer coursing through my body. Ana and her group had become my only friends. My other friends never talked to me when she was there and they just didn't get me anymore. "Do you want to come over? my parents finally finished the exercise room."
"I-I'd love to," I stuttered out.
"I'll pick you up in 15," she stated, and the line went flat.
~
After all my hard work, Ana finally though I was worthy. I smiled. I'd never been the favorite - ever. A school, there'd always been someone smarter, someone who participated more, someone more popular. Despite being an only child, I was never the star. I was always hearing about blonde, skinny Kathleen's cheerleading, or honor roll or oh-aren't-she-and-mr. handsome-just-so-cute whatever. Ana finally made me feel like the golden child, the chosen one.
"I was thinking we could do sort of a spa day?" Ana suggested, pulling out of my thoughts. "I have a sauna and we could dip in the pool after and then do our nails or something."
"Sounds perfect," I confirmed. "Wanna go on a jog first though?" I said smiling.
One glimpse at the proud look on Ana's face, and I was over the moon.
After a fast 5-miler, and I felt better. I used to hate exercising, but now it was the only thing that calmed me down besides cutting. It made me feel powerful, and just a teensy bit less inferior to Ana's transcendence. I loved feeling the pain shoot up my legs after I'd ran my nightly 10 miles, reminding me that I'm strong. I craved the fire in my muscles punishing me for my imperfections and the excruciating feeling of fat being taken from my body. The methodic torture of pushing my body day after day quieted my mind and the familiar burning left no room for my problems. It was an addicting, punishing escape, and I couldn't stop.
"Should we shower?" I panted.
"Nah, the point of the sauna is to get all sweaty. Burns a bunch of calories and kills the water weight." She explained. I nodded and we changed into our now dry swimsuits. I sundered at the sight of my bloated body.
Stop it. Both of you know how fat you are so there's no point crying over it. You'll just look like a weak, fat mess.
I smiled, pushing away my worries. The lure if burning calories made me able to face Ana. Handing me a bottle of water and a towel, we trooped down the stairs. I couldn't help but notice how much my thighs jiggled as we ran.
If you were skinny, Ana would like you so much more. She's probably just using you to make herself look better. Stupid fatass pig. Obese failure. Fat-
Yanking myself from my horrid, but unfortunately true, thoughts, I followed Ana into the sauna.
"Have you ever been in one of these before?" Ana questioned.
"No," I replied. "Isn't it like a cardio workout, except you don't move?"
"Exactly!" Ana confirmed prouldy. "You the same amount of stuff burned, you just don't have to worry about bulking up."
"Ohmigod! we workout so much... You're perfect but I- I'm so fat already, I just-" I panicked. I didn't want to turn into a sumo wrestler. God, I'd be revolting.
"Relax Nikki," Ana soothed. "As long as you don't eat, you can't build enough muscle to become gross. Pretty, yes but not one of those nasty muscle-head girls."
"Thank god," I sighed. "Being a sumo wrestler is almost as bad as being fat."
"Totally. If your waist is more that 20 inches, you're fat." She proclaimed. "And if you're arms or legs get bigger when you flex, it doesn't matter what you look like, you're a disgusting sumo wrestler."
"Agreed," I said blushing inn shame for my 23 inch waist. I memorized everything she said for later. Ana's standards were now my standards. It didn't matter when others complimented my weight or said I looked good. They were all lying. They just didn't want me to be thin. They knew they could never have enough self-control to do what I do, and they don't want me to look better than them. I may be fat now, but when I finally get down to 75 lbs, I'll be glad I didn't stop now. I'll be perfect.
