"God, we're going to be so pretty," Ana sighed, snapping me out of my trance. We sat on opposite ends of her cozy sauna. It was made of classy mahogany wood with benches outlining the walls. It was small, each wall only about 10 feet, but with our fluffy turquoise towels accenting the dark wood, it gave off a calming vibe.
"I can't wait to see how good we'll look at the end of our fast," I agreed.
"After, I thought we could go on this really cool diet I saw online. It's where you eat a three inch stalk of celery twice a day instead of meals," Ana said excitedly.
"Celery?" I wrinkled my nose. "Gross."
"I thought you would say that." She rolled her eyes knowingly. "So I got a bottle of Dijon mustard. It has no calories but it dosen't taste gross. Just dip the celery."
"Okay," I responded, sold on the idea. I was already hungry, and if Ana was gonna endorse eating, I'd do it. She tapped me with her foot.
"Knew you'd be up for it," she grinned.
"I'm in it to make bitches jealous," I smirked.
"We will. We're gonna be so hot," Ana replied confidently. "We'll be so much better than those fattys stuffing their faces 24/7." I rolled my eyes to show my distaste.
"It's so gross how they eat so much and never think about what they pour down their throats. Don't they see how fat they're getting?" I ranted.
"It's pathetic," Ana agreed.
"I hate watching them stuff their faces. One day, they'll get so fat, but they won't be able to stop. They'll just keep sucking up greasy, fattening food. They don't see food properly. It's just a nice way to see fat. Once you look, really look you'll see all the fat and sugars and grease piled in everything. I don't see cupcakes or fries or ice cream anymore. I see double chins, jiggly thighs, beer guts. It's repulsive," I spat. Looking back, why did I ever eat? It was so gross. It just showed everyone what a fat pig I was. The thought of food I once enjoyed now turned my stomach. I couldn't even imagine eating anymore. Lately, when hunger stabbed at my belly, I didn't even want to eat anymore. every bite I took was torture. Nothing was worth the guilt, the repulsion I felt when I ate.
"I don't see how you were ever friends with them!" Ana agreed, eyes on fire. "They mindlessly indulge in greasy piles of shit like fattening pigs. It's abominable." I shuddered.
"I'm so glad you get me," she whispered, eyes softening.
"You're the only one who understands me," I smiled, because she really was. "You're my best friend." Suddenly, Ana's phone lit up.
"That's 30 minutes," she smiled. "You're doing really well for your first time. Let's go cool off."
I gratefully climbed out of the sweltering room and wiped my brow. I'd never been so hot in my entire life. Grabbing the icy glass on the bar, I chugged the frigid water like it was my lifeline. Placing the empty glass on the bar, I watched in envy as Ana swan dived into the water. The water slipped gracefully over her taut, lean body as she rocketed through the frosty water. I sighed and jumped in, frowning as I noticed how much bigger my splash was beside hers.
Shaking my insecurities off, I relished how good the water felt on my overheated body. Ignoring my envious thoughts, I pushed off the wall and enjoyed the feeling of the water gliding over my skin. The chilled water had a serene effect, seeping calm into my bones. I made laps until Ana pulled me out of the water and back into reality. We dried off quietly, and hopped back into the sauna.
For all my complaints of the insufferable heat, I couldn't help but notice how relaxed my body was. My usually sore muscles felt loose and relaxed, something I hadn't felt in a while. And my skin, while quite flushed, was smoother than ever. Sighing, I stretched my legs and reclined in the bench. This wasn't so bad.
"Dizzy," I groaned. After six torturous hours, Ana finally declared the end of the sauna.
"Suck it up," Ana rolled her eyes, shoving a glass of water into my shaking hand. I gratefully accepted it, greedily chugging the cool liquid. "The pool will help." I nodded, too weak to argue. All I wanted to do was curl up in a chilled room, but I knew that was just my own weakness.
You choose this, I reminded myself. You choose beauty. You choose strength. You choose to rise above the gluttonous failures that roam the earth. Don't stop now. Steeling myself, I descended into the water. I tentatively swam underwater, a sigh escaping my lips. This is what heaven feels like. The cold seeped into my head, numbing the pounding headache behind my eyes. It soothed my burning skin and washed away all the sweat from the suffocating heat. I swam deeper, reveling in how good it felt to stretch my limbs. Breaking the surface, I grinned. Swimming was my escape. I felt weightless in the water, unstoppable. The easy, methodic movements calmed me. I glided through the water, proud of myself for making it through today. Though I appreciated the break from our usual intensity workouts, I didn't want a repeat anytime soon. I was nowhere near Ana's level of stamina, the sauna had proved enough.
You could be if you tried harder.
Rolling my eyes, I swam to the edge of the pool and pulled myself onto the edge.
"Wanna go for a cool down run?" I asked Ana, praying she said yes. I needed this. I need to push until I couldn't, and then I wouldn't be happy until I pushed harder. If I wanted to be thin, I needed to really commit. 75 lbs wouldn't come from slacking off, and neither would fitting in my new clothes.
"You know it," she winked. We changed into our workout shorts, trading grins. As we began our stretches, my eyelids fluttered with exhaustion.
Suck it up! I chided myself, repeating the words Ana snapped at me earlier. I couldn't stop now. For one, I needed this, and Ana was here. If I failed, she might leave me. And I couldn't take that. I needed her. If not for her, I'd still be a fat failure.
A fatter failure, I reminded myself. You're still fucking fat.
Grimacing, I dug my feet into the pavement. Only two more miles, I reminded myself. Two. Fucking. Miles. Don't stop now. Exhaustion filled my body like lead, pulling me down. Fatigue gnawed at me, white blurring my vision. One and a half miles. My lungs gasped for air, fighting to continue. I felt like I was filled with lead.
"Hurry up," Ana snarled. I nodded and pumped my legs faster, unable to reply. My lungs crushed in my chest, sweat dripping over me like lava. Everything hurt. My whole body burned with the fire of inferiority and expenditure.
"Help," I choked. My arms pumped loosely at my sides like spaghetti. Ana spat. I forced myself forward, my throat closing. Half a mile. I stumbled forward, tears and sweat mixing on my cheeks. I could feel the blood racing through my abused body, about to burst out. My eyelids drooped, sweat collecting on every plane of my body. Pushing the last few steps, I fell onto the pavement. It felt like I was being stabbed with burning knives. I sucked in air, glad for the sweet respite of breathing. The world spun in front of my eyes, twirling in and out of focus. Bile rose in my throat and I choked out stomach acid all over my tortured body. Coughing, I attempted to push myself up, to no avail. My arms wobbled, unable to support me.
"Ana," I gagged, my words coming out in strangled whine. "Help me."
She ran over and pulled me to my feet. Immediately, my legs faltered and I was slipping through the air. Ana snatched me out of the air and put my arm around her shoulder.
"Thanks," I whispered weakly, leaning on her.
"Beauty hurts," she replied solemnly.
