Home [n.h.]

IX

My legs were spread and the comforter lay solemnly on the floor.

6 years old and I was in an adult ache.

I wished I could float out of this body.

I don't know why he turned the fan on.

My skin was plagued with goose bumps,

But, that's not why I was shivering.

Everything about this comes back in flashes.

Only as I lay in the rubble do I dare try to thread the memories together.

I didn't want a clear picture.

Everything about this comes back in flashes.

Thank god.

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My eyes don't even have a chance to take in the morning light before I jolt awake.

He was there, now with concerned eyes in the space next to me as he removed his hands from around me. He wiped his eyes.

"Baby, what's wrong?" He said, stretching.

What happened? Oh fuck, what happened?

My mind can't comprehend each event coming at me all at once, and I scream, pushing Niall away as I fall to the ground. I guess I was closer to the edge then I thought I was.

"Aveline, what the hell?"

"No, I didn't want to fuck it up with you. No... fuck!"

I say, my eyes like sand paper on my eye lids.

"What do you think we did? Do you remember?"

I hadn't really stopped to think about that.

"I remember...."

"You don't remember." He sounded disappointed.

"It's early, can we just talk abut it? Why are we spooning in my bed? That's all I wanna know." I said, slightly laughing from the floor. I was nervous. I didn't want him to tell me we had sex. "Plus my ass hurts from falling."

Niall laughed, squealing a bit as he fell back against the pillows.

I crawled onto the bed, smeared with my presence. I laid my back against the pillows, mimicking Niall. We were laying side by side, but no eye contact was made.

Then everything came back.

Before he even started explaining anything, I remembered the words, and the kiss, and, most of all, I remembered the feelings. It was like I was there right now, adrenaline swimming in my chest. And, thank god there was no sex. I wiped imaginary sweat off my forehead.

I didn't speak up, though. I just let him go on to explain it. His voice was awkward but steady, going through each event , each word said. He finished, and the room was quiet. It was almost like the walls were waiting for a response, anticipating it.

"You don't love me Niall. We were just caught up in the moment last night, ok?"

"You don't know what I feel, Ave." He said, aggression in his soft voice.

"I don't want to know." I whispered, "Not right now. Love isn't... It's not...."

"It's not... what?"

"It's hard to explain, ok!" I said, my hands slapping against my thigh. "Just give me a second."

Niall huffed, laying there, his fingers tapping against his stomach. I observed his fingers as he gradually moved them closer to me, laying them down on the bed, our arms touching. Then, without missing a beat, he starts massaging the skin on my arm. I suck in a breath, the pleasure in me boiling over.