We Can Sleep Now

Chapter 19

My room looked the exact same as it had since I left it.

Honestly, I didn't know how I was going to deal with Maggie.

I felt embarrassed.

Daryl didn't say a word the whole time we walked home, and he left as soon as I lied down.

Had I taken it to far? Did he not want such an intimate relationship? He wasn't willin to die for me and was freaked that I was so in love with him I couldn't go on in life.
But that wasn't the only reason you did it

The voice in my head reminds me but I put those feelins away.

It was true, Daryl dying just pushed me off the edge, I was already balancin along it before.

I stare at the ceilin absorbed in my own thoughts.

Carl worked around me, placin things, propin up pillows and blankets, all the while tellin me stories that were suddenly muted in my ears.

I thought I had been happy when I heard that gunshot, but I remember happiness.

And that wasn't it.

This wasn't it.

I wasn't meant to be alive, it wasn't worth the trouble to bring back.

I was a waste, and now I was more alone then ever.
You've tried twice and your still not dead

I wanted to say God wanted me alive, and maybe he did, but right now I stared at the roof with no meanin behind my life.
They gotta keep takin care of you because you are useless.

Air passed through me like I wasn't even there, and to me it would he better if I was wasn't.

I didn't want to cry but I can feel the prickling pain of tears.
No more crying. Ever.

So I built a wall, and blocked out feeling entirely.

"You okay?" Carl asks, I nod.

He stands to leave the room, but stops himself, "why'd you do it? I know you thought Daryl was dead but I don't think that was all it."

I didn't need to drown Carl in my problems, so I replied, "just Daryl."

He opened his mouth to say something, but shut it, he turned to leave, then turned back, "you know I can see through your bullshit. I watched you for three years of my life, I watched you stare at a wall just like now, through a window back at the farm. I knew Daryl loved you, I knew you too were a thing, I knew you were getting sad but you shut it up.

God Beth, I'm sixteen now and there was a time when we were actual friends and there was none of this fake bull shit. I can handle it. I want to help you."

My heart stung at his words, I wanted to tell him I thought my life was a waste and how I felt to much and nothin at the same time.

But I knew if I did I wouldn't be alone, and I would hurt him. Or irritate him.

I didn't want that.

"I don't want your help." I say sorrowfully, tryin not to give in.

Soundin cold.

He scoff and leaves the room slammin the door.

Quickly I run to the bathroom, almost causin Daryl to fall over.

"What's the rush?" He says and raises his eyebrows.

My heart melts and I just shake my head, staring at him.

"Can we talk?" He whispers and I nod, reachin for his hand. He shrinks back immediately and my cheeks blossom red in pain.

"Beth," his breath draggs out my name as he strides into my room, "first I gotta say thanks for savin my life. But I'm sorry I just," he let's the sentence hang in mid air.

"Your breaking up with me?" I whimper, kicking myself for soundin so childish.

"Beth I don't remember ever bein with, with you." He used the second with as if to say us as a couple.

"I only remember from Woodbury on." He states.

A voice inside me screams there's still a chance, "will you ever get this memories back?"

"They say yeah, but maybe not. I can't be with ya. Like that. Its not right. 'Ur young and pretty. Should be with young handsome guys."

The voice shuts up, replaced with, he will never love you again. Not like this.

"Can we be friends, I can help with the memories, tell ya stories?" I say, managing to raise the corners of my lips.

He looks hesitant but nods, "yeah, I'd love that."

His eye brows crease together as he stares at my face, as if he wanted to say or do something else.

"Tomorrow then." He says finally.

"Yeah." I reply and he awkwardly leaves the room.

I fall asleep soon after he's gone to dream about corpses running around trying to get Carl's hat.

Tossing and turning my eyes flash open, to Maggie.

He stomach is huge, and her fave looks healthier than ever.

A pregnant glow which, other than her scowl, brightened her whole body.

"Bethy." She coos, her scowl softening. "How is it you are always flirting with death." 

"Well your are carrying life so I have to balance the cycle." I say, laughing at my own joke.

No laugh comes from her, she frowns at my joke.

"How are you feeling?"

"Good, and you?" I ask, honestly more curious about the baby.

"Okay, Glenn thinks the baby'll come soon. but I've been to busy worryin about you to enjoy my pregnancy." She relys honestly.

I shrink back, "sorry."

He sighs, and crawls into bed with me, her belly facing me along with her face.

She holds my hand and smiles, "don't be."

I smile back.

Together we fall asleep.