A year of depression

Part 12:

I have been really bi polar im either really happy or really sad. Like a couple days ago I cut, I just am always thinking in my head "no one likes you everyone hates you." But school just around the corner which is terrible. I just hope it's way better than last year. That year was dreadful!

But my favorite part about summer is my camp. It's the greatest camp you could ever go to. No one judges you and it's just great.

So me and my best friend Lacy are no always getting drunk and just drinking away our problems and smoking. We've been smoking up to 20 cigarettes a day! We've been getting high and going to party to get our mind off of things. It's actually great. I just stay at her house because I hate to go home. My father is an alcoholic and my mom gets abused and my siblings hate me. Oh well.

My other friend is using me I feel like. She asks my sister to take her to her "cousins" that was a guy she's off having sex with so many guys. She's going to wind up pregnant.

I'm not saying what me and Lacy are doing is okay but at least I'm not getting finger while your friend is having a panic attack! True story though. I'll tell you later.

Like this is totally off subject but I love Lacy I can always be myself with her and we just chill together. Lacy is really fun to be around like not because we get high or drunk just because we have fun when we're not drunk or high.

I'm glad this year were on the same volleyball team, Lacy is a year ahead of me so I was on the younger team. And I hate being in the younger team. They're really bad and I like to win I guess that's just me.

But the reason why I haven't been writing in this journal because the hospital won't let me have it and I just got out. I tried to kill myself and I was texting Lacy how I can't do it, and she called my mom. I tried to hang myself. My dad was drunk when we were going to the hospital and he yelled and said

"Where the fuck are you going"

"I'm taking her to the hospital" My mom said while holding me tight so he wouldn't hit me

"Why she ain't sick" He said while taking a sip of his beer and wiping his mouth

"Something happened to her."

My mom never told my dad that I was depressed.

"Fine just leave now I don't want to see you anymore you're wasting my time." He said while grinding his teeth.

My mom was silently crying.

"I'm sorry mom."

There was a silent pause
"Why why Caroline?"

"Mom I'm not happy I am sorry I know you try your best but it's dad and everyone around me."

I could hear her breath heavy and sniff.

"Honey I love you so much I don't want anything to happen to you I try my hardest I really do."

It was silent until we got there. They checked me im and I don't remember what happened after that.

I love you all.