Just Saying ~Rants, Quotes, Etc.~

So Fucking Tired // A

I'm so fucking tired. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. My life really isn't a life. All I do is sit in my room. All of my friends have amazing conversations on groups chats and I can't join in because no matter how much I understand what they say, I can't say anything like it. I can't speak like they do. These words that make everyone else laugh and smile, I can't say those. Suicide is an option. Always has been. I've always known. I've always thought about it. I'm just too scared to do it. I could start homeschooling and leave my social life behind. I'd miss everyone but they wouldn't miss me. If any of them did, it would be B. To be honest, B's probably saved my life more than I can count and all she's done is be my friend. And my ex. She helped too, but I still considered it a few times. And I called her every time I did. She just didn't pick up. In all honesty that's what hurt the most, really. I always have my phone with me. I try my best to make sure that I'd be there for anyone who needed me. But no one was ever there for me. So I was just left with myself. Our friend, we call her Mama Cas, is basically like a mom/friend to me. But I can't tell her anything. She's way different than I am and she really likes to give motivational speeches. But to me, when she gave me one, it got worse. When she got technical, I got more depressed. And when my ex used to tell me to calm down and that it'd be okay. That everything was alright and that I was beautiful and she loved me, it got even worse. I never really thought she was telling the truth. She says she was and I really wish I could believe her because it really seems like she actually did love me, but I can't do that. So I don't ask for help. My mom can't help me because her and my brother think that I'm just trying to find something that's wrong with me, when believe me when I say I really want to be okay. I don't want to have anxiety or to be depressed. But when you know that something's wrong with you, and nobody will listen to what you actually have to say...It...Well...It makes it worse. I don't know what to do. I just...I want to push people away so badly, but I don't. I want to be alone. I want to be myself without anyone watching. But I won't. I can't. I know that my feelings will change and if I push them away then I'll surely regret it later.

I can't be friends with my ex. I wanted to, and I still kind of do. But I can't. Neither of us will talk to each other, and, frankly, the mornings are awkward. And there's this new girl. I don't even know her name. And every time that she sees me, I feel like she hates me. She just kind of makes me feel awkward and unwanted. And 'Mama Cas' and I are kind of going through a rough time, so I really don't feel comfortable at our table...

Or should I say their table.

Just saying.

//Audio