Beyond the Pain

Beyond the Pain - Chapter Twelve.

Chapter twelve.

Nick tried comforting me, resting his hand lightly on my knee, but I brushed it off.

    “Just tell me what happened.” He took a long, deep breath before starting.

    “I’m not even sure I remember the whole night. I was really drunk and the night came back to me in bits and pieces the next day,” Nick stared down at his hands. “I was so stupid.” I fitted my fingers through his, only because I wanted him to carry on.

    “That night, the one when I went out with work, it was only supposed to be a few quiet drinks. I guess it got out of hand and we all drank way too much. It started with shots, and then I just kept drinking. I didn’t even know what half the drinks were. At some point the boys must have lost me. I remember being by myself and realising they must have moved on without me, so I sat down at the nearest table. I didn’t look to see if there was anyone already there, I swear.”

    “And that’s when you met her?” I asked.

    “Jess.” It pained me to hear him say her name. “Yeah, she was the only one at the table.” His eyes closed and he sighed, but I squeezed his hand, urging him to continue. The thought of them together made me sick but there was nothing I could do about it now, so I tried to detach myself as though I was listening to a fiction story. Once I had the details it would be easier to concentrate on what to do next and how to feel again. Nick looked around, as though he was checking no one else was listening and then, holding my hand tightly, he began to talk again.

    “She offered to buy me a drink, or maybe it was me who offered to buy her one. I can’t remember; it doesn’t even matter. The point is that we started talking and drinking and we just got to know each other. I didn’t think it was leading anywhere, I don’t think I was in any fit state to think about much anyway. But then she started flirting and coming on to me and in my stupid pissed little head I somehow thought it was okay to kiss another woman.” He was raising his voice now, as though he was shouting at himself. “We fooled around a bit but then I came home. I promise that nothing else happened and it didn’t go any further than that. I must have given her my number because she kept texting me but I haven’t been replying. I only want you. I just wish none of it had happened.” He played with my fingers as a tear rolled down his cheek. “I’m so sorry.”

    “I don’t know what to say.” My mind was numb.

    “She was cheap and easy and I must have thought it was a good idea at the time, but not now.” He raised his eyes to look at me. “You know I love you.” I shook my head.

    “Saying it is one thing, showing it’s another.” I took my hand out of his and fiddled with the ring that bound us together.

    “I couldn’t tell you at the time Charlotte. For a start, I wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. I’m only beginning to realise now that nothing else did. I know it’s a crap excuse to blame it on the drink, but to be honest; I wouldn’t have done any of that without it. I wouldn’t have lost the boys, I wouldn’t have sat on that table and I wouldn’t have even been in that pub anymore.”

    Thinking back to the night Nick had gone out; I remembered what a difficult day it had been for me. “I found out that my mum had cancer that day.” There was no emotion in my voice; I was trying not to shout, for both our sakes.

    “I didn’t do it to upset you!” Nick said, “It was a drunken mistake. You think I’d be that heartless?”

    “I don’t know Nick,” I said, “I just don’t know anymore.”