Beyond the Pain

Beyond the Pain - Chapter Six.

Chapter six.

By the time Nick got home from work, I was in bits. I was on the floor, mascara running down my face, clutching the sofa, surrounded by four sympathetic dogs.

“Charlotte!” he shouted, as he came in.

I looked up to see him running towards me, a wave of terror filling his eyes.

“What's happened? Oh my God! What's wrong?”

“She was called Lily,” I sobbed.

“Who was?” asked Nick.

“The family that visited today. They had a baby girl.”

“Oh darling.”

Nick held me in his arms. He rocked me back and forth, while I cried. We hadn't spoken about Lily for years and I felt the relief as I said her name. I had shut her out of my life, hidden her away as if she never existed. I felt so guilty, so sorry.

“I miss her, I really miss her,” I sobbed.

“I know,” said Nick.

I wanted him to tell me that he missed her too. I wanted him to tell me that he cried in bed at night like me. I wanted him to say how much he hated not talking about her. But he didn't. We sat on the floor for over an hour; me crying, him just staring and stroking my head.

“Please don't cry,” he said, “you'll smudge that beautiful face.”

The words I'd heard countless times failed to comfort me. I dried my tears, stood up and went to tend to a whimpering puppy. Life goes on, as they say.

“What's the matter?” I said softly, as I picked her up.

She was the puppy that the Roberts family had picked. She would be loved as much as I loved Lily. I stroked her and she calmed down, almost falling asleep. Nick entered the room.

“I'm sorry,” he said.

“What for?”

“For not being here for you,” he said, “I've been a lousy husband.”

I nestled my face into his uniform, feeling the comfort as I smelt my lover's scent.

“It's okay,” I whispered.

We kissed and my tears melted away. Nick has a way with me that no one else does. When we got married, the way we felt about each other changed. Our feelings went from lust to love. We became part of each other.

We had a big white wedding. It was like a fairytale. I travelled to the church in horse and carriage and I wore the most magnificent white dress, which cost a fortune. When Nick said 'I, Nicholas Richards, take you, Charlotte Alicia Jones, to be my lawful wife,' it was the happiest moment of my life.

Sometimes I wonder what we would be like if I hadn't become pregnant, or if Lily was still alive. I wonder if we would be a stronger couple, or if we wouldn't have so many rows. Lily has affected our lives in so many ways, without us even realising it. But without her, I wouldn't be a mother.

Nick had to go back to work that night. He had some important meeting coming up that he had to get ready for. I flicked through the channels on the TV then, not finding anything remotely interesting, decided to go round to Kat's. She was in her dressing gown when I arrived and Carlo was making some Italian meal. I would have left them to it, but Kat invited me to stay.

Me and Kat huddled on the sofa by the fire, while Carlo sang in Italian as he cooked. Mia was watching 'The Jungle Book' on the TV. The sounds of Mowgli twittering on and Carlo singing didn't compliment each other at all. I suggested that me and Kat go and sit in the other room, that they call 'the study', although not much studying goes on in there.