Beyond the Pain

Beyond the Pain - Chapter One.

Chapter one.

Nick placed his hand on my belly. He had been worried the baby wasn't moving enough, feeling her every few hours. Baby's do have breaks from kicking, I'd told him.

“She's still not moving,” he said.

“She's fine. Don't get yourself so worked up. That's my job.”

“When did you last feel her kick?”

I could hear the desperation in his voice. I had never seen him like this, but I tried not to panic.

“I don't know. Last week maybe.”

“Something's not right. I'm calling the hospital.”

He called them. I sat down and breathed. My uterus had been feeling heavy lately, but apart from that there were no other signs that there was anything wrong. I usually knew when something bad had happened. I would feel a knot in my stomach. But today, there was nothing.

“Doctor Sherman wants to see you now. Just to check everything's alright.” Nick told me, as he hung up the phone.

The words rang in my ears. I didn't want to move.

“Something is wrong, isn't it?” I asked Nick.

“No I'm sure she's fine. Don't worry.”

“That's not what you were saying a few minutes ago.”

I thought about what he had said, about the baby not moving. I imagined life without my daughter. It was heartbreaking to even think about it. I couldn't stand to hear that my baby was dead.

“I'm not going,” I told Nick.

“What do you mean? You have to go.”

“What if she's..what if..?”

I broke down in his arms, tears pouring from my eyes. He cradled me, just as I imagined him cradling our daughter. In that moment, as he held me and told me everything would be fine, I believed him.

“Okay I'll come,” I agreed, “everything will be fine.”

“Everything will be fine,” he repeated.

Driving to the hospital, I stared ahead of me like no one else existed. Tears rose in my eyes. Cars blurred out of sight and Nick's voice seemed in a different world.

“It's okay,” he told me.

He took my hand. I looked at him and saw the tears in his eyes. He loved this baby as much as me, if not more. He would be devastated if anything happened to her. But I couldn't be strong for him. I couldn't agree with him and tell him she would survive because I didn't know if she would.

“Stop crying,” I told him, “just stop.”

He stopped. He stayed strong for me all the way to the hospital, five miles away. He stayed strong as we parked the car and walked into the maternity ward. He even stayed strong when we entered the waiting room and saw a new mother carrying her baby son out of the hospital, to his new home. I wept when I saw them.

That was how I'd imagined my exit from hospital. I imagined carrying my daughter home, tears of joy in my eyes, so proud to be showing her off. I didn't want to leave here without her. I wanted to be that woman so bad. Nick pulled me close and led me to the reception desk, where the woman told us to go straight ahead.

We entered the examination room, where Dr. Sherman was waiting for me. I sat on the bed.

“How are you feeling, Charlotte?” he asked.