CARNIVORE [MxM+]

Part II: Chapter 1

Tycho Black.

Tuesday, August 13

Eight months ago, I started therapy with Miss Rachel Atkas, a friend of Xavier's. I remember when they made me start going, and I was fucking terrified. I still am, to be fair, but for an entirely different reason now. I no longer cared about having to share how I felt. I was used to that by now. It was Dr. Atkas. She was the issue. She was fucking scary.

A week or two ago, she handed me a thick journal and a pencil and told me to start writing my 'feelings out.' I thought that was stupid, but like hell was I going to defy her. She knew where I lived, for fuck's sake. Helllllllllllllllll noooooo.

But genuinely, when she told me to start writing, I knew the idea would be pointless. The most I've ever written was for essays, assignments, and stuff. I've never thought of doing so outside of school, but I'd be lying if I said this hasn't become some sort of outlet this past week. To be fair, I did have a lot of stupid fucking feelings. She said that it was relieving, so let's start relieving some more (even though I'd much rather have sex or something instead, that's wayyyyy more relieving).

I scratched out the last sentence.

Okay, let's start making sense, Tycho, please. Let's be mature, too. I know that's hard for you, but c'mon.

In all honesty, I'm at a stage in my life where everything feels too perfect. It's putting me on edge. I'm anxious all the fucking time for no reason, and everyone's starting to notice. I know I'm still on 'probation' from last year, and I don't blame them for that, but I'm afraid of fucking up. I still have this small voice in my head that they're gonna change their minds about loving- (I scratched out 'loving')- liking? Loving? I don't know. Tolerating me.

I still have this small voice in my head that tells me they're gonna change their minds about accepting me in their lives. (That's better.)

Anyway. Life's too perfect for the most part. I'm still good at football (thank fuck), I'm in a good relationship (that I don't deserve), Jason is in jail, and I'm actually passing all my classes. But that's specifically thanks to Riley. He makes me study every day. That makes me want to punch him in the face sometimes, but- (I scratched that out, too.)

That makes me want to kiss him cause I like him. That is the only way he makes me feel when he does that. Love you, sweetheart.

Despite most things, I still had a few issues. One of those issues came in the form of a pair of twins— Kacey and Max. They still hate me, and I haven't talked to them in months. I should talk to them.

Max, you're still a brat, but I love you. Kacey, I just love you, and I'd definitely still get on my knees for you. 

I scratched out that last part. Fuck's sake, be normal.

I hope I gain the courage to talk to you guys again someday. I miss you both.

(Sooo, in conclusion, I guess?) In conclusion, I'm a sophomore now, in a happy relationship, thriving in life, on a bunch of medication that works and makes life bearable, and Jason is currently serving a 32-year sentence in prison. Miss you, mama. Fuck that guy.

I—

My hand lifts from the paper, a pencil still between my fingers. I knew what I wanted to write, but I didn't know if I could. Writing it down felt like admitting it, and admitting things was for brave people. I wasn't one of them.

I looked down at the opened journal in front of me, only a fraction of its pages filled. Frustration poked at my heart, making my eyebrows furrow. I was still getting used to this writing thing, but now that I was starting to like it, I wanted to fill every page of this journal instantly because I was a completionist, but I knew it'd be a while before I'd be able to.