A Trouble With The Mind (DenNor) <Wattys2016>

What's the Story Lukas?

~Lukas' POV~

I found out I had M.S. at a young age. I wasn't supposed to live past age 18. I was supposed to be brain dead. But, here I am.

I have a younger brother. We have different dad's so, he has a different last name. His name is Emil. He has cared for me since we found out I had this illness.

Emil recently moved to Hong Kong to live with his boyfriend, Leon. I don't like Leon...he's one of those bad boy people.

Well, Emil moved a few weeks ago and we Skype everyday, but that doesn't make me not miss him. I miss him a lot. My mom walked out on us and my dad....well he just....he's not here anymore.

Emil was my caretaker...my brother. I love him so much and I miss him.

I remember when he would refuse to call me Big Brother and I'd eventually force him. That was always fun.

Or, whenever my joints froze, he'd rub my back and shoulders to help me relax. Or when I couldn't stop throwing up, he'd draw with his fingers on my back and hum soft lullabies.

I'm really lost without him.

I shouldn't be on my own and I know this.

Sometimes I can't remember if I've taken my medication, or if I've eaten or not. It's hard. So, Emil calls me three times a day and we Skype before I go to bed.

He's so grown up.

Whenever I have to go to court for my disability papers, he calls me before to make sure I don't freak out. 

What if they don't believe I am disabled?

That's what scares me.

Because if you look at me, I look like a plain 22 year old. I don't look sick. I look just fine.

But, if you meet me, that's different.

I stopped showing any emotion when I was 10 and my mom left.

She was the only one there for us. So, we were stuck with Emil's dad.

I never met my dad. My mom said he was a lazy bum and didn't want a child. And that always hurt.

Mom and I fought a lot before Emil came along. Even though I was young, I didn't like what she was doing with her life.

She was throwing it down the drain.

When Emil was born, something changed.

The day Emil was born...it was terrible and great at the same time.

I finally had what I wanted, but at the same time, it wasn't so good.

A few hours before Emil was born, I had a seizure. At the time, we didn't know I had M.S. we didn't even know what that was.

Since we were already in the hospital, they brought me to a room and stopped my seizing.  All I remember was feeling pain.

I can't remember a lot of things.

But, I do remember that a few days after Emil was born, I went to my doctor's office and had some tests taken.

And that's when they found out.

That's when I found out.

Mom left us not that long after the news. She didn't want to 'take care of two babies'. Or that's what she said.

I know it was because I'm disabled...that's why she left.

Apparently, M.S. runs through my dad's side of the family. It spreads through genes...that's why I don't want kids.

Well, that and I'm gay...so.

I wouldn't want to let a child go through the hell I've been living.

It's not worth it.

Anyway, that's about it from my young ages. I don't remember much before of really after that.

I remember when I got my license.

They asked all of these questions. And I got really confused and flustered. Emil had to answer most of them because they didn't make any sense.

I'm really supposed to drive if it's really nesscary, like for groceries or to the hospital.

I don't leave my house often. People stare because I limp slightly when I walk.

I'm lucky though. At my stage, I shouldn't be walking or talking at all.

Yet I can still take showers standing up and I still talk to Emil everyday.

I hate it when doctor's say I'm fine. I know their hiding something.

If I were really fine, this medication wouldn't need to be in my system. But, oh, look, it is.

I don't see how people say I'm not in pain. If I hear something loud, my head with throb. If I step, even slightly off, pain shoots up my spine. My joints tense up. Sometimes I can't breathe.

I'm always in pain, but it's a pain no one else can see.

I like to write a lot. I usually write in Norwegian. That's where my mom and dad both came from, Norway.

Emil's dad came from Iceland.

I also like to listen to music. It calms my nerves. 

Everyday I do yoga in the morning, it's supposed to keep my legs and arms functioning. I guess it's worked so far.

I can tell when I'm having a seizure or a stroke.

Whenever one of the two are about to happen, I start to tense up really bad.

When I'm having a stroke, I know to call for help and then I call Emil and let him know.

But...seizures, I don't have as much as a warning. I've been having more seizures lately. I don't think the medication is working right. But, I don't want to take more pills.

I hate it.

It's not good for my body either.

I have the liver problems of a drunk. Because I take all my pills everyday.

I have to have blood work taken once a month and I don't like my doctor. She's really rude.

And I have brain scans every six weeks. I have to take out my hair clip for that.

I hate not having my clip. Emil gave that to me when I explained to him was my illness was.

We both cried for a long time.

I told him I'd never lose it.

And I still haven't.

So, that's my crappy life.

But, at least I'm not paralyzed, or worse.

I could be dead right now.

I'm not supposed to be here, but something is keeping me alive.

I just want to find out what it is.

And why?

Why am I here?

Why do I have to suffer with this pain?

Why did I get a illness with no cure?

Why can't I have cancer?

At least that has somewhat of a cure.

Yes, I am alive, but I'm not living a life to love.

--1,034 words!
I hope you guy's liked it!
At the end, with all the 'why's', those are all actual questions my stepmother had asked me, during her fits of depression.
And yes, M.S. does go through genes.
It doesn't really skip generations either.
Thank you for reading!!
~Sky--