Dear You,
Remember ninth grade? A lot happened that year. We had homeroom together. I didn't know or like anyone else enough to sit by them so I sat by you. You were nice and let me. Thank you.
I got to know you and you let me read your journal after a while. I learned things and I liked them.
I was with the guy that got a bj on the bus, while we were dating, from a random girl. When I came to school I tried to not act tore up, but I think you knew. You know me better than others.
After I dumped him I found this journal entry you had torn out, I knew it was yours because only you can write like that. I don't remember exactly what it said, but I remember you writing about this girl you liked. You made her sound so cool, pretty, and out of your league. You wrote in the last sentence that you wondered if she could ever like a guy like you. It made me sad and a little jealous that some other girl may get your attention now, but I gave it back to you and told you to go for it. You said "I will. Maybe."
I asked you about her the next day. You said she was kind of a prep. I kept asking you for her name, just to know if you were gonna have to stop talking to me and you told me. This girl was pretty popular for a freshman. I knew she wouldn't date you, her and her friends would laugh in your face, but I didn't tell you that because you weren't gonna go for it anyway. I never told her. Or anyone.
I came to tell you everything. Almost. I told you about my past. Most of it. You understood. We were really close. Then I found out the girl in the journal entry wad really me.
I didn't let us change anything but you began to show me the entries were you said you were falling for me. It tore me up, because you were one of my best friends, but I was into another guy.
You got mean to me. You stopped letting me read your entries, you were snappy and rude, but I knew you were jealous and that it could change. I kept trying to be your friend.
Me and that guy got together and he got jealous of you. You knew more than him and he would often make fun of you to me. I would smile and tell him to shut up only to be accused of liking you more than him. I told him you were my friend and he wasn't being very nice. He stopped after a while.
We went to homecoming together. As friends. He got mad. The whole night he texted this girl he had liked in the past and was trying to keep tabs on us, but I didn't like her texting him. I didn't like that you tried to hold my hand. We had fun the hour before the homecoming, just the two of us being silly. We talked and I sang and we ran around and messed with each other. We took things and played basketball with the trash can and I threw an old gummy bear thing at you. We laughed and then we went in...everything went downhill. It was awkward and weird and I wouldn't dance with you because I didn't want yelled at. I didn't talk to you much because you wanted to hold my hand or dance. It was terrible.
He calmed down after I told him about the night. He said he wanted to hit you for trying to hold my hand and I told him I wouldn't let him. He didn't.
He was violent. I wish you'd have been there when he shoved me into the wall and tried to force me to kiss him, Or when he got mad and pushed me into the wall and walked away. I silently wished for you to be there sometimes. You weren't but I wasn't mad. What would you do if you were?
Towards the end of our relationship I was beginning to like you, but I would never tell you. Why would I? I was a cutter. I had a bad past. I had been mean to you. I had denied you so many times. How could I have any right to be more than friends? So I left it like that.
You were there for me when He called me a toy and said he didn't care if that hurt my feelings because feelings get hurt. You understood. Strangely, I never cut again after I dumped him.
Soon I realized that the feelings I had been pushing off could become something more than a soft longing.
~Me
