Dear You,
Today we arent talking. Yesterday you said no one would want to kiss me. It was a joke, but i cried and you held me and said you were sorry a thousand times. Things have been different between us. I still love you as much as i did the first time I said it, but tonight im lonely and all week we have been iffy about eachother. Youre scared we might end and im scared that you might not love me anymore. I feel like we'll be okay as long as we can get through the thick wall of different between us.
I feel like im dying inside. I prayed today and told him he could take everything, everyone, my music, my voice, anything just as long as he didnt let you leave me. As long as i could keep holding your hand and telling you i love you. As long as i could keep trying to make you happy when youre sad. As long as i didnt have to say goodbye to the you i know now.
I cried at lunch yesterday. I cried on the bus. I cried in the bathroom on the sink. I cried myself to sleep. I cried pacing in the bathroom again. I cried in the shower. I cried on the front porch. I cried on my moms bed. I cried in my room. I cried in the bathroom again. I cried in the front room. I cried at the docks. I cried in my floor.
I want to see you, hold you and feel your love again, but i cant see you. I cant hold you or talk to you, because everytime we're around eachother we get stressed. We get cranky or we pick at eachother.
I know if we can get through this our relationship will be much stronger, but right now you feel so far away. I dont like feeling like i might be in this alone. Today you said you dont know how this makes you feel. I do, but i wish i didnt. I wish i didnt doubt our entire relationship now.
Im scared. I keep praying,
Dear God,
Please dont let Satan take him from me. He is everything to me and i know i love this boy. He is everything i want. He is more than i could ever need. He is the one i want forever. Take everything, I will be a laughing stock, I will be a freak, I could be hated by everyone, but as long as he loves me I will be happy. Im sorry I took him for granted these last few months God. Please dont let him take him. I need him. I love him...
Its not even an 'i love him because i need him. ' its a 'i need him because i love him. '
You said you werent good at stopping and i said i wasnt good at giving up and that we need to work it out. Tomorrow if i get the chance im going to hold you and not let go, because i am scared it could be the last one. I held your coat last night and cried into it, knowing i might have to give it back.
Please hold me too.
~Me
