Dear You,
I started going to church and got saved. I invited you and you got saved. We both got baptized in the lake in the middle of January. The lake was covered in ice that they had to break to baptize us. It was so cold. My mom and her husband went first,me, and then you.
I saw you come out of the water and my eyes were atuomatically drawn to the way your shirt clung to you. It wasn't like I was undressing you or anything like that. I was just surprised and shocked that you had a body like that.
My grandma was dropping you off a short time afterwards and I said I felt nervous and sick. You said "maybe it's because you are hiding some feelings you want to express." Maybe it was just you hoping I'd return the feeling. Maybe it was wishful thinking, because I laughed. Which probably made you feel like crap. I'm sorry.
I would have NEVER laughed if I'd have known how right you were.
A few days later we sat in a Chinese restaurant with the church congregation. We all went out to eat and my parents were getting some food. My siblings sat with their friends and you said "It sucks you don't feel the same." I waited a few minutes contemplating what I was about to do. I felt the sickness I'd had since that night swell up and grow strong as I spoke to you.
"If I say this you have to forget I said it immediately." I know it was an impossible request. I just didn't want you asking me out or leaping into things. You said okay and I simply said that I did have feelings for you.
I had to turn away from you, because of the way your eyes lit up like you just saw heaven. I hated how it made me happy. I hated how it made me feel special, because I knew I was the only one who had been able to make you look like that.
I always thought I would get married, have kids, the relationship would go bad, suddenly I'd be a single mother working two jobs to keep food on the table. I didn't have expectations. I didn't have goals. I said I did, but I didn't. I had been raised with the idea that love is special and only special people get it. I knew I wasn't special. If anything I was less than average. I was low, sick, ugly, worthless. I wasn't going to amount to anything. I wasn't going to accomplish any dreams. I was never going to enjoy life.
I knew with you that wouldn't be possible and it's crazy that having goals was scary. Having that dream life was a terrifying idea, because it would all be ripped away like everything else. Nothing good could ever last. My heart would break and I would be ruined.
I remember the day I gave in, though. You asked me out for Febuary 14th. I smiled and said you'd have to ask my mom. I knew she would say no. She never liked the idea of me dating. She would allow me to talk to you, but an actual date would not happen.
"If I'm there." I got embarrassed. You had shouted it across the room and everyone in the church could hear it. I pulled your hat over my face and you started taking pictures.
I was in an old, baggy hoodie with my hair up, no make-up, your hat on my head stretching over my face, but you still said I was beautiful.
OUR FIRST DATE
We went to see American Sniper. I did not know how boys picked movies so I went with it. It messed me up. Seeing kids getting killed by a drill was never really my thing.
When the girl started undressing I decided to be a dork and make it PG. I covered your eyes with my hand and used the other one to cover mine.....causing the popcorn to fall and spill across the theater floor. My parents sat behind us and laughed. You laughed and I was totally embarrassed. Its not really a bad memory, though.
The embarrassment caused me to remember every detail. Especially the way you looked when you laughed. That was my favorite part of the date.
~Me
