Dear You,
You know that moment when everything is about to fall apart? When the people you love most are being sucked into the crap they don't deserve and you can't help? That hopeless feeling and knowing you've done all you can, but it's never enough for yourself? I reached that point.
The depression was too strong and I couldn't help you. Your life was spiraling downward and I couldn't stop it. You would sit by the river and mope, and every time I found out I hated it.
I didn't want you to be needy and unable to function without me. It seemed you were only happy anymore when you were with me. In a way, I should have been happy that I made you happy, but I knew that a life like that was not what we needed.
I cried and called you. I told you I couldn't stay if it was going to be like this. I only did it because I thought it would fix things. I thought you might work harder and be happy. Happiness is a choice. I am a living example and I knew you couldn't see it, but I wanted to help you. I told you things like smiling releases chemicals that make you happy and that's why you smile through tears before but you didn't even seem to be trying.
You said you'd try harder and I was satisfied. Then you asked that dreaded question.
"Are you going to leave as soon as things get difficult?" I paused. I had been hoping you wouldn't ask that.
"I don't think I'd be able to." I stated.
Things did change. You stopped wallowing in sorrow anymore and things picked up.
One the things you do now that makes me happy is you aren't afraid to stand out. You're a dork and you own it. I love it. I struggle with what others think. Just today when I was auditioning for the solo in Ill Be There by Jackson 5 I shook until I started singing. You make me want to be a better me.
Every time I sing at church you got my back. Remember the time when the speaker started fuzzing so bad and I didn't know what to do? They started over twice and the music was still messed up and it threw me off and I was about five seconds late? I turned around and started crying, I was so embarrassed. I kept saying I couldn't do it and Beth said I could so I turned and started singing again? It was actually amazing from a spiritual point of view, because the devil said stop and I managed (with support) to say no and keep going. But every time I looked into the crowd I saw you. You stood and sang along with a smile and it makes me tear up even now, because for you to stand up and smile and support me when I made a mistake was absolutely amazing.
I never would've even thought about that, I just don't know this stuff and I hate that because I can't show you the respect you show me. I'll never truly deserve you and that's okay. My love should make up for all that I lack.
~Me
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Authors Note:
I didn't get too specific here, because I didn't think you wanted me to tell why everything was bad at the beginning.
I know you don't like to hear me talk like that last paragraph but the point of this is to show you how I feel and think about us. It's because I never show my emotions or talk about them much. This is to help. I will be doing this for 6 months so you should learn some. :) <3
