The New DX Member

Thoughts From A Lost Cause - Unedited

It's weird. I always felt like I would never belong somewhere because I've always stuck out and I've always been different. I like to think people care about me, I like to think people would care if something happened to me. I like to think that I matter. Of course those thoughts get clouded by my personal demons. No one cares. My mum doesn't care even if she once did. My dad obviously doesn't care. Jamie always was my rock, I could never repay him for being the best little brother in the world. I wonder if he's okay..Anyway. My life is kind of like rain, People either love me or hate me. I don't know how to describe rain without sounding like a weirdo. I've always said that water is my element, I would be a badass water bender.

My thoughts suddenly focosed on my wrestling family..

I wonder if they still think of me. Yesterday was good, I love hanging out with Shawn but I still felt like I was intruding, Hunt-Triple H obviously hates me, I don't blame him, I've done a lot of horrible things. Stephanie hates me for saying that Vince *Ew* is having an affair with Trish. I hope she understands that I was trying to protect her?  Protect her from the whirlwind of pain? All the pain that could simply destroy someone if they let it. I would know. This leads me to Rose.. A tornado of hurt. Our feud that's too real that I sometimes cry at night because it cuts me so deep. Have you ever had a friend who's almost like a sister. Who gets you? That makes you feel 'Normal'. That makes you think that all those bullies that caused you indescribable pain were wrong. Yeah that was Rose to me, She was my best friend, She made me happy just by being her. She made me believe that loving the world of professional wrestling wasn't wrong. Which made me love the buisness a whole lot more. But like everything in my life that friendship came crashing down because of me. I wish we could have talked about the whole situation and not let it get so out of hand. 

As I keep thinking about my familia my head and heart hurts. My eyes hurt as the tears continue to slip down my face. 

I want to be happy. I just want to be happy. I want the world to be happy. I want everyone to be equal. I want woman to be builders without someone going, "Oh you can't do that you're a lady, This is a mans job." I want men to be able to ballet without someone going, "Oh that's weird, That kind of dancing is for girls, You must be gay." Why is this such a problem?!

I angrily wiped away the frustrated tears and slammed my diary shut. Before sighing and opening it 10 minutes later. I flipped the page and began writing again. All my thoughts getting carved into the paper. 

I'm a sick indivadual. 

If I'm happy that means somethings wrong. 

I can never be happy without something going wrong.

How selfish am I?

I want my family to be a family again.

I need people around me.

I need to get better. 

I am beautiful.

On the inside of course, Not on the outside.

Why is life hard?

Why can't everything be easy?

Why do I have to be in so much pain 24/7.

I sighed signing my name at the bottom two kisses following it. I threw my pen to the side and tucked my journal under my pillow not noticing it falling onto the ground near Adam's bed. I switched my lamp off and smiled slightly at Adam as he came through the door before rolling over and falling fast asleep.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello my lovelies!

This chapter was pretty sad huh. It's currently 1 in the morning and I'm feeling down so that has put a damper on this chapter. But maybe it will give me motivation to get out of my writers block.I do apologize for being so inactive I'm moving house in about a week and moving into my grandmas house. Anxiety has bounced back into my life again as well as some unwanted rants from some of my family but it's alright, 5SOS and Wrestling has shined a light so I don't fall back into old habits. Am I rambling? Yes. Sorry. 

Question? 

Have you ever felt so alone in a group of people?

I love you all, 

My fireflies,

JadeXx.