Melancholia [Tom Hiddleston] {EBT book 4/4}

4

A few hours later, Kate was in the kitchen packing a basket with bread and salads when Tom walked in, having put Matilda down for her morning nap. "God, darling, she is such an easy baby."

"She sure is. Everything is just perfect, isn't it." Kate said sarcastically.

"Why do you assume everything I say is an attack?"

"I don't, it's just that most of the time-" Kate paused. "I'm not doing this anymore. I'm packing the picnic for you and Matilda, and then I'm going to see the doctor. I'll join you when I'm finished. I don't think we should discuss it any further for now. I love you, give bub a kiss for me, her bottles are on the bench and she has three scoops of formula. She likes it at room temperature, not warm and not cool."

Without waiting for a response, Kate turned in the direction of the garage and left in the car.

"Kate, come in. How are things going?"

Kate sat down in Dr Oates' office and tears immediately flowed from her eyes. "Oh, honey. What's going on?"

"Tom and I just keep arguing. He doesn't understand, he thinks I can just snap out of it if I want to. This morning... this morning he asked how I can be depressed now when I have everything I want... perhaps if he beat me like Dean did I'd be happier. He thinks I don't want to be happy."

Kate dissolved into tears once more, accepting the box of tissues that the doctor offered. "Did you have a think about medication?"

"Yes. And I'd like to try it, I think it might help."

"OK. I'll write you a script for a low dose and I need to see you again in two weeks. In that time you also need to go and see this counsellor. She may even suggest taking Tom for a few sessions." Kate nodded, drying her eyes and nose.

"Also, this is a booklet specifically on post natal depression, it might help him understand that it's out of your control. There's a list of really good websites in the back as well. It might take some time for him to come around, it's normal for people who've not experienced anything like this to find it difficult to comprehend."

"Thank you. There's another thing. We haven't, uh... I can't... have sex. Since I had Matilda."

"Are you anxious that it will hurt, or you physically can't?"

"I was. Now I'm just anxious about rejecting him again. I stay up until Tom is asleep so I don't have to deal with it. And I just... I don't want to. I used to be turned on just hearing his voice. Now, there's nothing. I love him, don't get me wrong. He still makes my heart flutter when I see him, and I'm still attracted to him. I just don't have the urge like I used to."

"OK. If that doesn't improve with the medication we'll talk about it again, but honestly I think it's all related."

"Thank you, doctor."

"You're welcome, honey. If you have any immediate concerns, call me or call the crisis line on the front of the booklet. Please don't suffer alone. And if Tom wants to talk to me I'm happy to do it by appointment or over the phone."

Kate found Tom and Matilda at the duck pond, she was sitting between his legs, mesmerised by the ducks and their strange noises and funny waddles. Again she hung back for a moment, wanting to remember the happiness and pride she felt before they got into another argument. And again that little nagging voice wondered if they'd be better off without her.

"Hey, look! It's mummy!" Kate looked at their smiling faces as she wandered over to them and sat down next to Tom on the blanket.

He put Matilda down on the grass on her tummy for a play, and Kate squealed when he lifted her up and plonked her between his legs, wrapping his arms tight around her waist and nuzzling into her neck. "I love you." He said into her ear. "Nothing will ever change that."