Melancholia [Tom Hiddleston] {EBT book 4/4}

5

A/N: Trigger warning for this chapter, panic / anxiety attack and fainting.

A while later she found the courage to find him in the kitchen, phone in hand and staring out the window. The weather outside had turned almost and bleak as it felt indoors. Kate cleared her throat and switched on the kettle.

"Do you want tea? Something to eat?"

"Tea, please. Kate, I've just spoken to Luke. He has meetings arranged for me in New York next week. They were supposed to be a few weeks away but he can move them easily. I'll go tomorrow." His voice was soft, calm and measured, but his face was that of a man defeated and resigned.

"Tom you don't have to do this."

"You were happier when I wasn't here."

"That's not true. It was easier before I told you."

"Do you have the slightest comprehension of how that makes me feel?"

"It's not a reflection on you, but it is the truth. I wish I'd just not told you."

"Because lies are always such a good basis for marriage. And you still wouldn't let me touch you, so what difference is it, really, whether I'm here or not?"

"You know what? Just take me. Take me upstairs and fuck me, Tom. Because the guilt and the constant reminder is crushing me. I'd sooner you forced yourself upon me than this."

"Maybe you should go back to D-"

"Don't... you... dare." Kate hissed, clipping each word. She barely kept from screaming at him, truth be told she wanted to, and the desire instead manifested itself in fists so tight she drew blood with her fingernails. The thought of just letting him have it; letting him see what really went on in her head; the incessant, exhausting, war that raged violently between loving and hating herself, was almost tempting. A battle she was never going to win with a strong will and positive attitude alone. She needed reinforcements, and Tom was beginning to look more like foe than friend.

As she left the kitchen she heard Matilda gurgling happily in the nursery, and Tom rushed past to get her first. Kate relented and took her tea to the living room, she was just finishing it when they came down the stairs all rugged up.

"We're going to see mum. Or Emma. Whoever is home. You're welcome to join us, but I thought some time alone might be what you'd like. And I want to spend some time with Matilda before I leave tomorrow."

Kate nodded, her body once again so exhausted she felt like a truck had run her over in the street, and taken away her ability to speak. She went to lock the door behind him and watched them drive off. Kate sank to the tiled floor, letting her head thump against the door as she leaned back. Huddled like a child, her shoulders shook with silent sobs and she tasted her own salty tears as they tumbled over her lips and spilled down her neck into her shirt.

Time slowed and stopped, measured in fallen tears, gasping breaths between sobs and the progression of pins and needles to complete loss of feeling in Kate's legs. When she heard her phone ringing from the hall table she had to crawl across the tiles to get to it, and after she answered she slumped back down to sit on the floor, leaning back against the wall.

"Hello?" she said thickly.

"Hey gorgeous. How are you?" A cheerful and familiar voice said.

"Zachary." Kate drew a deep breath. "How are you?"

"I'm good. Are you OK?"

"Have you been speaking to Tom?"

"No. But so far you've answered all of my questions with questions, so you'd better tell me what's going on."