Alone

Chapter 17

The scissors shaking in my hand, I dropped them.  I ran my fingers over my scars, scratching the newest ones that never healed properly. I made them bleed open and layed there watching it run down my arm. My eyes rolled to the back of my head, the pain giving me tingling feelings all over. The smell of blood entering my nose and my arms trembled with pain. My phone began to ring, but I ignored it and then picked up the scissors. I dragged the blade down my wrists and blood began to pour out again, down my arm and onto my shirt. There was a knock on my door and didn't bother answering that either, when I didn't grandma came bursting in.

"Bandit!" She rushed over to me and grabbed the scissors out of my hand.

I cried,"What are you doing, give them back to me, I need those!"

She threw the scissors onto the floor and I tried to get after them, but she forcefully pulled me back into her arms and rocked me.

"Why are you doing this to yourself Bandit, why?" 

"Let me die," I yelled,"Please just let me die."

 I could tell that she was crying and Pops then came into the room, he stumbled back when he saw me almost covered in my own blood; he started crying. I don't like seeing them act this way, but I feel like I almost have no control of my cutting. 

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I cleaned myself up and layed back in bed, looking at my phone for the missed call; it was from Alex. Thinking for a few minutes if I should call him back or not. I was starting to go back to how I was before with him. I dialed him number and took a couple breaths.

"Hello?" He answered.

"Ummm hey Alex." I mumbled. 

"You okay Bandit, don't sound like yourself."

"No, Alex I'm not," I hollered.

"Why, what's going on?"

"Wanna explain to me what you were doing with Clarissa at Ice Dream?"

There was a long pause between us as if he didn't know what to say.

"I was sick and she picked me up after school and took me there."

"Must of been having a good time huh?"

"I don't know."

"Sure looks like you did, smiling and laughing as she freaking fed you like a baby!"

"Bandit, you have nothing to worry about."

"Whatever Alex, because of her I started cutting again."

Seconds after I said that he hung up the phone.  I would confront him tomorrow at school.

Skipping dinner later that night, the words of what I wanted to say to him rolled around in my head while I sat in tub and the shower water hit my head. I sat in the shower till my fingers began to wrinkle and then decided to get out. I wrapped a towl around me and wiped the fog off of the mirror above the sink. Starring  back at myself, I had dark circles under my eyes, looking sick again. Like a ghost looking back at the person they once were. 

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I eventually went to bed, not sure what time. But I knew I was up later than usual. Ended up walking to school and when inside I headed to my locker. 

"Look its little miss cuts herself," Mumbled Clarissa as she walked by me.

Ignored the comment and continued putting my needed books in my bag. As I turned around I fell over, she tripped me.

"Oops my bad," Her and her little fan group laughed. 

As I picked up my things, my sleeves rolled up and revealed my cuts. 

She grabbed my arm and lifted it up,"Look everyone she does cut herself, look how disgusting!"

I broke free from her grip, my blood pressure rising and even what I said caught me off guard,"Clarissa you're a bitch!"

She gasped,"Ha excuse me, what did you just say?"

"That's right I said it, you're a bitch!" I yelled,"Bitch, bitch, bitch, miss. bitch, queen bitch, big bitch, ugly bitch, should I continue?"

Snorting,"Well...well."

"Well what?" I asked,"Got nothing to say?"

"Come on girls let's go!" She yelled as her group followed. 

As they left I noticed Sage was behind them and she rushed over to me. 

"I can't believe you did that!" She cheered.

"I didn't plan on it, it just sort of came out."

"Well I'm glad you did because she totally deserved that!"

 I started walking to my first period class and Sage followed next to me trying to keep up, but the weight of all the books in her arms slowed her down.

"You okay?" She asked.

"I guess."

"You can tell me anything ya know."

"Yeah. I know Sage."

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"Maybe later." I said walking into class. 

I sat down in my seat and everyone was looking at me and whispering things to each other. I rolled my eyes and got out my notebook; as if they have nothing better to do. Mrs. Pearson walked in and went over to her desk. Going through papers and such before heading over to the chalk board to write today's problem of the day. It was going to seem as if this day was going to go on forever. I was on the mission to find Alex and he was going to talk whether he liked it or not. 

After lunch I made my way to Alex's locker, but he found me. It was kind of an awkward vibe between us.

"How are you doing?" He asked first. 

"Fine." I lied,"Now let me ask you this."

"Sure go ahead."

"Why did you hang up on me?"

He looked around and I could see his hands tighten into a fist, like he usually does when he gets nervous. 

"Bandit, I'm sorry, but I have to go."

"No, I grabbed onto his hand and pulled him back,"Answer my question first."

He gulped,"Because I was with Clarissa and she grabbed the phone out of my hand and hung up."

"Why did you let her?"

"I didn't and wasn't going to let her, but you know how she is."

"Fine Alex I get it." 

"Ummm I'll text you later," He said and then trailed off. 

I managed to get through the rest of the day, but I didn't go home right away after school. Instead I went to the park and sat on the bench. I really loved Alex and like they say, true love hurts. I'm at the point where it could almost kill me and Alex is watching my heart bleed.