The changes happening in the house have been so enormous, he has barely had time to process anything. Pankaj feels like his days ever since Adi's marriage have been replete with ups and downs in terms of emotions what with the marriage itself, Imlie's condition and now the changes that shall come because and for her as well as employment of Sundar. It is now, in this afternoon he gets for himself that he takes the moment to process all of it, especially the parts he had suppressed under duress.
The sinking feeling in his chest is a familiar one, one that envelopes him every time he travels down a certain memory lane and it is the same now. When they had found Imlie unconscious and rushed her to the hospital, all that had been running through him was one thought-
Not again, not her!
It made him realize how within the span of a few weeks he had found what he had never allowed himself to before - a daughter! The wave of emotion that goes through him is so complicated, it jolts him upright from where he is sitting by his desk. An inexplicable mix of despondency, grief, self-loathing and anger is what it is made of and all he can hear is her voice, calling him Papa, her smile, her love and then the sight of her face, pale and lifeless. The tears that gush then almost has a guttural scream emanate in his throat but he does not let it out. Instead, he muffles it, imprisons it in silence, forcing it painfully back because this is his punishment. He does not deserve to expel or express his pain because he is a weak horrible man. Because not only was he helpless in saving her, he also spent years after blaming his wife because it was easier than bearing the complete load of his own loathing and the grief that was both of theirs to share! He distanced himself from her, let her believe in her own guilt to absolve himself of his own and essentially left her alone.
Even today, it is her heart, her love and her kindness that has enabled happiness back into their lives. It is her because she is receptive of it, has risen from what still ails him, all alone, holding and being strong more than he ever has been.
Because he is not there yet. Even now his heart, a coward that it is, is not ready to be receptive of the love waiting around for it to imbibe and give. Because all that emerges in his chest are embers of negativity, of resentment.
How can he ever replace whom he lost? How dare he? But how can he not love the child whose mere tears some time back had him feeling just as helpless? How could he resent her, be angry with her when she was not to blame?
But he is not free of his resentment, his grief that cannot forget what he lost and cannot forgive who he was and is.
It scalds within, so potent in his chest and he swallows it down like always!
_
After befriending Sundar and being staunchly refused from even trying to work in the kitchen, she retreats to her room and sits on the hammock, swaying slightly as exuberance lights up her face. She cannot explain in words, the gratitude that fills up her soul but more than all of it, hope. She remembers climbing the tank in Pagdandiya to see the rising sun. Hope feels like one within her. The despair of darkness enveloping her dreams till now falters and flees. The doors to her future that looked firmly closed now felt ajar. She had presumed her dreams died with her marriage but this family, the one bestowed to her through said marriage, has given life to them again and she can never decribe in words, the belongingness and gratitude that she feels.
In the back of her mind though she does wonder how the topic of her education has arisen so suddenly. She wonders if it is Choti Kaki who is the catalyst because has she not been the one who gave her her room and explained to her it was okay to seek help? But something about it feels off, like she is skirting around the truth, like this logical conclusion isn't it, but she ignores it, unwilling to indulge what she thinks is just a foolish heart's silly hope.
Just because he has apologized to her does not mean he is suddenly actively trying to help her out. What they have is a truce and she will not let herself make this into anything else. Yes her weakened walls had been unsuccessful in battling the realization she now can never forget and yes she has accepted it, however painfully but she knows her boundaries. She knows who she is and who he is and where they stand. Even in a world where circumstances didn't force their hand, she cannot envision a moment where she and him can meet on the same level. Not because she thinks less of herself or more of him but because they are different in every way that counts - socio-economically, culturally, in terms of age as well as life.
Love that she has never wanted, that she has always associated with what plagues her Amma's life, the same love that breathes in her chest and she decides she will not suffocate it. But she will not let it cross any boundaries, will not act on it. She had given up any rights to him as she had watched him marry Malini Didi and she stands true to it even now and so will she remain true to it forever. But her love for him that exists within her is hers alone and she will live her life with it, preserving it like a rose within the pages of her life story, never forgotten but placed right where it should be!
For the first time ever since she understood maturity, since she has known what happened to her Amma, has watched her forlorn and yearning, for the first time, she feels understanding for all of it instead of the usual resentment and resolve. As she sways on the hammock, she closes her eyes and lets it all settle within herself, adding another facet to her growth.
Note:
All of this is happening side by side, during afternoon as the previous update.
I am taking Pankaj's character differently from the show because of the backstory I have created for him and Aparna. Do let me know how you find it!
Love,
Pratyusha
YOU ARE READING
Lakeerein - Ties That Bind Us
Fanfic------ Can Be Read As General Fiction ------ One night. One event. Lives of two people altered completely. When Aditya Kumar Tripathi, Chief Executive Reporter at Bhaskar times stepped into Pagdandiya and met Imlie, he did not know how his life woul...
