My personal Hell

M.Y.A.

"For all of the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: It might have been!"-John Greeniear Whittier

They say you only fear death if you have regrets... I guess then I should fear it... 'Cause in my whole life, I have 1 regret and 1 regret only... My biggest mistake... The darkest part of my pass... There's only two times in my life. The "before it" and the "after it". And oh, how I wish I could fix it... Maybe that's why I fear death no more... Because I know it's done. I know I can't change it... And it all has gone cold ever since... They tell us to never regret anything because it was exactly what we wanted at some point... No... I never wanted that...

I see death every day. I see death everywhere. I saw all my dreams die. I saw my own personal curse take over my life like a cloud covering my sun. I saw it all crashing down, like an earthquake striking inside of myself. I saw myself hurting you day after day, like a compulsive psychotic assassin. How I wish I had killed you right away... Because death is nothing compared to how you died every day hearing my razor blade sharp killer words. And I knew... We both knew it would end this way...

A human being... What am I compared to the greatness of the big unknown? What am I in the middle of million of people?! What is my pain compared to the millions of people starving, fighting for a drop of clean water?! I ask myself over and over again how I should feel... Or how I should've felt? I've thrown my arms to the sky and i've dropped to my knees. I've laughed and I've cried. I've experienced happiness in the extase point and sadness in the numbness point. I've seen misery and I've seen luxury. I've lived and I've died a million times.

The thought of you haunts me. Your face, your voice, your smell... I can still feel you... Your presence, your agony... I'm sorry... I'm sorry your human condition put you through all that suffering. I'm sorry I put you through all that pain! I didn't mean it! I loved you! You were the only one I really loved in my whole damn life! I never felt the same love ever again... Please, let it stop... I can't handle the thought of what we could've done, what we could have become, what I could've done anymore! I can't change it! I'd give everything for another chance... But I'm only human! WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!

Everybody's born with their own curse and I know I'm not alone. All I wanted was you and without you, this full room seems empty. It's not about being alone... Loneliness... And what am I supposed to do... What am I supposed to do if I can't stop it?! I ache just as much as I did on the first day. I keep missing you more and more. I know it could've been much worse but it should've been better! That's what kills me! What I could've have done, but never did! And if I'd ever done it if I had the chance... What kills me is what it might have been...