My personal Hell

Love

Now I see why our hearts break. We’re in love with the idea that love will fix everything. I guess that’s why I never got my heart broken… I never believed in such thing. Maybe I did when I was a child but I grew up in the middle of wars and death. I grew up seeing people killing each other, fighting each other, raping each other… Love, my ass! If you told me all the bruises on my best friend’s body were done by love then you’d be right. Love did that. Blinded by what a hopeless romantic wrote, fooled by a poet deepest wish, she believed love was a sea of roses. You believe love is the only salvation to humanity. You’re 100% sure love will save you from your worst nightmares. Honey, you’re wrong. There used to be a tenuous line between love and hate but that line is gone and I don’t know which one is worse.

The definition of love remained the same but the world changed. One definition can’t be true if it remains the same while the world changes. Love’s not the same anymore. Love’s not what your grandmother told you it is. She wasn’t lying. It was like that in her time but her time’s gone and so should be her words. That’s what’s going to kill us all. Life is a game full of rules, just like math. I’m sure your math teacher never taught you how to solve every single equation in the world. She/he told you how to solve one or two or even ten but the numbers keep changing and so does the result. She/he gave rules, the main rules, the most important of all, but he could never tell you how to solve every single problem in your books. Love is like math. Anyone can tell you how it works but each case has a different method and result.

Love’s indefinable. Everyone has a different definition to love. To the hopeless romantics love’s the salvation. To the dumb love is the purpose of life. To the wise love is nothing but a big trouble. To the heartless love’s an illusion. And to the soulless love does not exist. They’re all correct. Now you’re asking yourself how all of them can be right when their opinions are so different. I’m pretty sure that right now you have more questions than answers. Allow me to introduce you our opinion: that’s love. To the shadows, like me, that’s what love is about. Love’s the salvation and the damnation. Love’s the purpose of life and the purpose of death. Love’s a big problem and a big solution. Love’s an illusion and a fact. Love does not exist but exists at the same time. Love’s all the questions and all the answers. Love cuts you open and sews you shut. Love gives you life and steals it from you at the same time. I could spend the rest of my life trying to find a good aspect about love but the truth is if one thing applies to it the opposite applies too and no one will ever be able to define love.

That’s why I hate to hear you say you love me. I would rather you to say you hate me. You know why? Because hate means hate and love means love and hate. “I love you” means you need me but I’m unnecessary at the same time. It means I’m everything and nothing to you.  And don’t you dare to say I’m insane! Fire loves the water because it’s the only one who can make it stop burning but it hates the water because of the same reason. There’s nothing worse than love and hate someone at the same time but that’s what happens when you truly fall in love. You know you would die without that person but you just want to kill him/her with your bare hands. You want her/him to kiss every single inch of your body but you want to rip off the parts they kissed. You love him/her to the bone but hate everything about him/her.

Love’s not a good thing but it’s not a bad thing. Love’s definable but indefinable. And after all there are only two questions to which I can’t find the answer for. Why do I keep digging deeper and deeper into your heart and burying you deeper and deeper into mine? And if love makes you exist in such a miserable way, why do people keep searching for it and refusing to live without it?