My personal Hell

Unknown ashes

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for having such

a twisted mind

a weak and sensible heart

a broken, ugly and scarred body.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for not being

who I should be,

who I want to be,

who you want me to be.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry

and I don't even know why.

There are so many things I should be sorry for.

There are so many things I am sorry for.

But most of all

I'm sorry for being me.

The empty, numb and worthless me.

I'm everything I hate.

I'm everything you hate.

I'm everything I never wanted to become.

And, as from my soul's mirrors fall the last tears I'll ever cry,

I set my demons free

As the blood makes the water turn red

I smile.

For the first time in my life, I'm doing something right.

I'm leaving this world like a lady.

Slowly, beautifully and silently.

At least I thought so

but there's nothing beautiful

about my scars.

There's nothing silent

about my screams.

There's nothing slow

on the speed with which I'm losing my mind.

They say poems are the poet's

most desesperated scream

or the most loud laugh

But as I read my own

I don't see screams or laughs.

All I see is a little broken girl

 cut by her own dreams

devastated by her own mind.

I see a scared girl

that created her own demons.

I see someone fighting to be

who she wats to be

but failing miserably.

See? I brought this on myself.

I digged my grave

hoping I would be able to crawl out of it

but I digged for too long.

I digged too deep.

I played with the fire

hoping I wouldn't get burned

but I forgot to bring the water.

And now, I'm at the end of my grave

watching the fire getting closer and closer

I can feel the warm.

Closer and closer.

I can hear my demons laughing

as the fire kisses my skin passionately.

Love hurts.

I scream as I feel myself losing it.

Losing the fight,

the battle,

the war!

It has me. The fire has me.

There's nothing left but ashes

and screams in the infinite emptiness

I left the world in the way I always tried to avoid

Quickly,

Ghastly,

Loudly,

Unceremoniously.

I left the world not like a lady

but like the disgrace I always was.

Like the failure I always was.