My personal Hell

Last Breath

I miss you. I miss the way we used to talk… No fights, no lies, no tears, no broken hearts… Just you and me, smiling… I miss the way we used to be but I guess we’re never going to get back to what we were before… I smile every time I read our first messages but as I keep going my smile fades and my eyes close involuntarily because I know there’s no one else to blame but myself… I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again but at the same time I don’t regret a single word I said. I wish I could go back but deep down I know I wouldn’t change anything…  I love you. I love you with every single piece of my broken heart. I love you more than I love myself and I guess that’s what makes all this so scary… I need you. I need you like my body needs oxygen. Dammit, that was the perfect comparison! You know why? Because without oxygen my heart would stop and the same would happen if I was without you. Let’s be real, I was perfectly fine without you in the first days… I didn’t care! And that’s probably why our conversations were so perfect... I wasn’t scared of hurting you. I couldn’t care less if you died. I wouldn’t cry just at the thought of losing you. I was heartless. I was cold as ice… But you changed me… You made my heart beat again and, goddammit, it beats fast as hell when I see you! I was strong but now I’m so scared of hurting you that I always say the wrong thing. And you probably think I’m just giving you excuses but I swear… I’ve never been more honest in my entire life… I’m pouring out my heart to you and I don’t expect it to change a thing… I admit it. It’s my fault. There’s no one else to blame but me. I fucked this up. I always say the wrong thing. I keep doing the same mistakes over and over again but I swear it was never my intention to hurt you… Fuck it! All I wanted to do was make you smile. All I wanted was to make you happy…  And all I did was hurt you… I know it… And I hate myself so much for it… Like, hate to the point where I feel my insides burn… But what can I do now? I’m pretty sure these words won’t make you feel better… I’m pretty sure I’ll never be good enough to heal your wounds… My only option is to leave. Jeez, I want to leave so much! I don’t want to hurt you anymore but I can’t leave… I need you more than everything…  This is a losing game.  If I don’t leave you’ll die… but I can’t bring myself to leave you…  I know I’ve told you this at least 2 times before but I can’t take your words out of my head… They wake me up at night... I may be sleeping peacefully but suddenly a voice screams the same words over and over again in my head and you know what it says? “Go hurt someone else”. I tried everything to erase those words from my memory… Pills, alcohol, drugs, beatings… Yeah, there’s a lot I haven’t told you… But I just can’t… I can’t take them out of my head because nobody ever told me that. Nobody ever made me feel like a … bully… I was trying not to hurt you! But I actually did…

 I can’t leave you. I just can’t. You mean too much to me… I physically can’t leave you… But I can’t keep hurting you… Shit, I can feel my chest hurting right now… It breaks my heart to hurt you… I love you. I love you. I love you so much… And that’s why I’m doing it. I can’t leave you but I can’t keep hurting you… There’s only way to stop this. I love you enough to do it. God, I just smiled… The truth is I would do anything for you… If you asked me to slit my wrists I would. If you asked me to cut my stomach open I would. I love you and I really mean it. Please don’t think about this as a suicide letter… This is… My heart’s last sigh, sounds good to you? I’m so sorry. This isn’t the way I wanted this to end but it’s my only way out… You’re stronger than you think. You can do this! I want you to beat this, you heard me? I swear if you ever try to kill yourself I’ll come back from Hell and I’ll make you go back to life so don’t even bother trying! You can make all those bullies from your school eat the shit they gave you. Goddamn, you can do anything you set your mind to… I love you. Don’t ever forget that. I love you so much it hurts. I love you and I gave up on my life for you so make it count! I don’t want you to feel guilty. This is not your fault. This was my choice and there’s nothing you could do to stop me. Don’t think much about my death. Just make sure you’re doing the best you can and I’ll be proud of you. Make it count. You only have one life. You’re not like me! You’re strong and smart. You can beat this, love. Live like there’s no tomorrow. Be happy. For the first time in your life, live!