What are you doing ?
Dying
What do you wish to be when you grow up ?
Dead
What do you feel like doing ?
Die
Casual words that I say sometimes. But hey , I think many other people say it casually too.
" oh my god. I nearly died in this exam the questions are so hard "
" I feel like dying now my mum keeps scolding me for no apparent reason "
" can I die right now I don't want to face reality "
A few sentences with ' die ' in it.
But then I thought about it in my head and thought , aren't we mocking people who are really dying ?
Many people across the world are dying , lying in their deathbed , awaiting for death himself to collect them.
Some others are fighting death.
I don't wanna die. I still have to live for my friends and family. Please don't let me die an early death.
Some don't even know they are fighting death. Or are dying. For example , some babies born at birth are defected or are born missing something or are born with disease. Its quite sad that they may never know. Maybe they do. Maybe they are fighting death with their little hearts. Fighting with all their might. However I dont know as , I was born healthy and even if I wasn't, I don't remember so I'll assume that I'm born healthy. Personally , I don't think im dying since im alive and all but death can arrive pretty fast.
Imagine that you were asleep. Someone dear to you promised to meet you tomorrow for breakfast. You go to sleep happily , happily sleeping on the hope that you will see her/him tomorrow. But then on your way there , you received news that she/he died on the way. Its totally unexpected. Its heartbreaking. Its something that may make you feel shocked for a long time. Its what I call unprepared.
I myself have never went to a funeral. I don't exactly know the full details of a funeral. Yes, someone in my family circle died but im not really close to her nor do I know her very well since I don't see her more than 5 times a year but then my parents and grandparents decided that I would not go to her funeral. Thus why I wont really know a funeral's details.
Some deaths will matter a lot to you. Someone close to you perhaps. I hate my sister but I go to sleep sometimes wondering how it would be like if someone I know very well died. I've thought for my sister and well I guess I would be saddened over her death. Not that I haven't wished for her to be dead. In moments of anger I seriously do think that but then I realised that it may affect everyone. Everyone who knows her. Its not just a missing person. Its her.
To you , the reader , have your grandparents died ? Or have they not ?
Mine hasn't. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking about their deaths. I have somewhat prepared myself for their deaths since everyone will die one day. But how they die is what will affect me for the rest of my life. As much as I want , I want them to live for as long as their fate allows them.
They said to me ,
" I want to die early , not as old as 100 though "
I can understand why they want to though. From what I see and understand about my grandpa , he doesn't wish to burden my family for too long.
Im 13. He's been there in my entire life. When I was 7 , he would wait at the void deck under my house. He would patiently wait with his walking stick , sitting there quietly , waiting for the school bus to arrive and watch me alight and then walk towards him. I don't know much about him , he's exactly 7 times my age , yet he doesn't tell me much about him. But for the things I do know , one thing is that he wants to die. His desire to die is not the burning kind , but more of a silent desire. However , he fears dying too. Just like I do. I fear dying. And I don't want to die early.
My grandma is the one who stated that she wanted to die before 100. I know more about her than I do my grandpa since she's the more fierce and talkative one. She doesn't need a walking stick unlike my grandpa and she is the cook of the house. Those who know me in real life probably don't know , but I want to learn cooking from her. Her cooking is more of a " passed down the generation " kind of thing and well I think its going to stop in my generation if I don't learn. My mother works in an office so she has very little time to actually learn how to cook all these. But I sorta made a promise to myself that i must learn her dishes before her time comes. As much as I don't want her to pass on , she will go and so will my grandpa. Both are precious and their deaths may bring so much sadness that i cant take in.
I don't know what will my reactions to deaths be. Its just whether I am prepared or not. Your best friend can die in her sleep. Your teacher may die on her way to school. Your pet fish may just hate you and commit suicide. All unexpected deaths
Maybe your friend is disease-stricken. Dying in her deathbed . Life gone from her eyes. You remember the happy times u had with her and all the precious moments where she stood by your side although she was really dying inside. You've prepared yourself for her death. It was already expected . But you may never be prepared for the full blow. Once you're knocked down , you may never get back up. Maybe you do. But it may take a lifetime.
You say that you want to die. You feel like dying. You are dead. But think about it , its mocking the dead or dying. Its unforgivable. You may never have thought so deep but I have. I am not the smartest or the wisest , and im in no place to say these kinds of things, but I just realised that when i say im dying its seriously making fun of the ones really dying. I feel awful for having had said that.
Death is something I find not a joke and something that really is sad. Maybe if you're happy over your enemy's death or happy over someone else's death but when I think of death , this entire chapter is my thinking. Everyone has their own thinking of death , but I associate death with sadness. The death of someone close to me may just take away a few big pieces of my heart. As human beings , death is inevitable, yet facing it takes lots of courage that I don't think I'll ever find.
They say
' dying is easy , living is hard '
I don't find that particularly true since living can also be easy ( for me ) , but I do agree with the dying part.
Dying is easy.
12/9/15 xh
