Recently I've been told that im double faced and i find it quite a matter to think about. I wasn't told by the person, in fact i just got told indirectly, and yeah im not very happy about it though im not angry at the person who said i was. I dare not say names in case it reachers her ears, since i don't know who is reading this.Its been stuck in my brain since yesterday, and i don't know if im really double faced or am i just being nice.
For me, double face is like being fake and real. Like, are u a fake anime fan because u didn't want to feel left out , or are you just joining the kpop fandom because your friends urged you to. However I'll not talk abt these in this part of the entire thingy im writing about. For this part, im going to talk about the real double face, real in my own definition of course. So u need not agree with me.
In my more childish years, I'd be like :
I don't be your friend
Or
I'm going to be her fake friend.
Thats me in the past when i was about 8? When i wasn't really sensitive about the words im going to say. I'd just say my thoughts more directly without really thinking.
But that is the me who is double faced. In fact, I still am now. I believe that nobody cannot not be double faced. Seriously, its somehow like being polite. You hate that person, you have that burning ice cold hatred towards that person yet you smile to them and help them just to be polite. Meanwhile, your brain is telling you to stop helping that person and just dump her and don't give a shit about her.
Is this being double faced? By showing a fake part of you just to hide your inner malice? Almost everyone does that now. I don't like you, yet i force a smile just to work with you. For me, being Double faced is somehow linked to teamwork. In a situation where you have to work with somebody u hate, but have to cooperate with just to get the job done.
Maybe some people are the kinder ones where they keep all their thoughts to themselves. But doesn't this lead to a boiling hatred? I think it does. I'm the kind of person who doesn't really think before i act, so i tend to flare up and criticise the person right in the face. First, my thoughts drill itself into my head. Secondly, i let the thoughts out. Lastly, i say it right in the persons face. I may sound really rude and have no manners, but i don't like holding in my thoughts for too long. Im more of a direct person.
But maybe me being double faced has another meaning to that person?
My guess is, i may seem very nice and comfortable around them but i still don't like a certain part of them and therefore have undesired thoughts. So it may be somewhat like a betrayal. Where i am sorta a hyprocite. I find hypocrite more of a harsher word compared to double faced but i think they are roughly the same for now. I tend to have good or okay friendships with girls, but of course theres some people that u like and don't like at the same time.
I think that i would hate the double faced person if im on the receiving end. Like, its Really a betrayal of sorts. Some people are taught to never be double faced, yet some others are taught to. I don't think i was supposed to be double faced, but i believe that everyone has flaws and i don't like flaws very much. I may seem selfish, but i can't keep in my thoughts too long. I cant stay with someone i don't like for too long if they somehow irritate me. But being me, I'll consider the friendship and see if its actually worth it to keep.
I still remember i got so angry when i was told that i was double faced indirectly. But after reflected on what i actually did, maybe i am.
Not everyone wants to say they are double faced. Its like, putting yourself under an ugly light and letting everyone know that you actually aren't true to your friends. But then u can actually ask yourself whether you aren't double faced. There will certainly be people u try to be nice with but deep down you wish to never talk to them. So for those who ask me what I'm like, I'd say im double faced. I find it seriously hard to find a friend that is really true to you and will never anger you. I have that one friend thats so special that I'll never be doublefaced around her. However, i do have things that i don't like about others and yes I'll spill them out if i can't take it.
Maybe after you read this you may never want to be friends with me. But, this is what i know about myself and I'll write about it before it drives me crazy. I'll not be double faced 24/7, but I'll eventually find something i dont like about you. Im not a perfectionist, but i surely have preferences. In fact, everyone does.
So, is double faced being polite? I think it is somehow very similar yet different. Is double faced being picky over your preferences? Probably yes too. At least thats my definition. Its like being polite, picky, and being a hypocrite at the same time. I don't know how to differentiate these few words that much from each other, but from my point of view, they may somehow lead to being double faced.
10/10/15 xh
