Bloodlust (The Blood Series #1)

Chapter 25

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

Have you ever planned so well what you're going to say that when it's time to speak, nothing comes out? When I wasn't freaking out about my teacher possibly murdering my best friend and doing everything I could to stop him, I was planning on what sob story I'd tell to the shrink. I had a perfect plan. I was going to cry a little, admit that sometimes I wondered what it'd be like if my parents got back together but by the end of the session realize that it was better this way.

But now that I'm sitting here in my therapist's office, I forget all that I so well planned to say. Instead I just stare at the clock and pray to God to let me out of this torture chamber disguised as a clean room decorated with different shades of green. They say that green is often used when decorating public places because it's a happy yet soothing color. Well, that myth has just been busted because I do not feel happy nor soothed. I feel awkward and uncomfortable, ready to bolt to the door as soon as our time is up.

"You can keep staring at the clock in silence if that's what you want. But you should know that seeing as you are a minor I'm going to discuss your session with your mother and tell her how it went. Of course I won't tell her what you said but I'll tell her how you reacted to talking to me. I'll be forced to tell her the truth and that just might make her want to send you here to talk to me again. So you might as well take this opportunity and make something out of it. I've been told I'm a great listener."

I turn to look at the short man sitting in the armchair across from the sofa I'm hunched on. He's in his forties or early fifties and looks more like someone's dad than a person who I'd pour my soul to. "I'll take my chances with my mom, thanks", I mutter. I don't like to have my brain picked. Troy has been doing that quite enough lately and so has Oliver in his own unique way.

At the thought of Oliver I wonder about his words again. To test you. What could he possibly be testing me for? What does he think he'll discover and what the hell kind of test acquires him to kill people while I watch? What will it prove?

The shrink nods. "As you wish. I'm looking for meeting you again next week. Does Thursday work for you?" he asks perfectly politely but I can feel the push in his words.

I try to explain my point of view as clearly as possible. "Listen, I don't mean to be rude but I hardly think you can help me with anything because I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me."

"I agree. There isn't anything wrong with you. Your mother is just worried about you", the man says pleasantly. Why is he so darn nice? It pisses me off even more but it also prevents me from snapping at him. I was raised better than to snap at nice people.

"She feels guilty", I sigh more to myself than to him.

"Why does she feel guilty?"

"She thinks I'm acting out because she divorced my dad."

The shrink gives me a small smile. "I've found that nobody divorces alone. There's fault at both ends and at neither", he points out cryptically like freaking Oprah.

"I know that." I breathe out. How do I put this without making him ask yet another stupid question? "Mom feels guilty for leaving my dad and therefore distancing me from my dad. She comes from a strongly Catholic family and they don't take too kindly to divorce. She thinks that she has forced me to choose a side but she's wrong. I make my own choices."

"You're a very perceptive young woman, Haley."

I shrug dismissively. "Anyone can see that much about her. Probably even our mailman could tell you that. "

"Then what do you see when you look at your father? How does he feel about the divorce?"

I huff. "I'm not doing this little heart-to-heart you seem to have in mind. Isn't our time up already?" I ask and stretch my neck to see the clock but the shrink has strategically moved his chair to block my view. I roll my eyes and look away.

"Not quite yet. Nightmares... They are an interesting topic, don't you think?" the shrink suddenly asks and for a second I'm terrified that he knows what I am. But then I realize that Mom has probably told him about my nightmares and that he's just trying to keep the almost non-existent conversation rolling.

"Dreams are the mind's way of processing things happening in our lives at the moment. Things we're not even aware we're pondering will appear in our dreams, asking for our attention. The things we have seen, things we wish for... and the things we fear. They will all come back to us in our sleep and if we don't want to deal with the issues presented to us we can always wake up or never even go to sleep. Of course that only lasts for so long. I believe the current record time for staying awake is 18 days. But in the end we have to face our inner demons."

"Or outer", I mutter under my breath. Facing my demons is exactly the problem because they don't disappear when I blink in the morning. No, my demons wake up as I do and go to school like I do and go to biology class. They talk to my friends. Just like I do.

"Yes, there are outer demons we must face in our lives as well. Are you referring to a specific demon in your life?" the shrink asks casually but thanks to my Seer insight I can feel the urgency behind his words. He suspects that there's someone in my life that I'm afraid of. Well, he's not wrong about that, I think as a blood red eyed creature visits my mind.

My mouth curves up a little. What an interestingly formed question. Is there a specific demon in my life? Well, there is one demon I want to kiss and another demon that I want to kill. Then there's one demonic thing that tried to make me like him and he's now teaching me to keep those other demons out of my mind. And one other demon who hates me for breaking him and his girlfriend up and is most definitely planning some kind of vendetta against me. So demons, yes. Specific one, no. Only an abundance of them.

"No."

"Sometimes our demons mix with others. We are only human, we crave for others to tell us that everything is okay. That we're okay. We need their approval even if we don't want to admit it."

"The key is to find someone whose demons play well with ours", I mutter sarcastically. Are you kidding me? This guy has clearly categorized me as a 'daddy issues' kind of girl. 'We need their approval'? He thinks that the demon in my life is my father. Well, since I've pretty much iced him out of my life, he's not exactly a key player anymore. But I guess once he might have been.

"You could say that. But sometimes we can't find anyone like us and we feel alone, abandoned. Often when people are left alone or purposely keep to themselves we start to feel threatened. No matter how strong we think we are by ourselves we always feel stronger in groups. More numbers on our side make us feel safe which is why most of us at least try to scrape together a band of followers. People to catch us when we fall and help us get back on our feet. Without a pack we feel unprotected, vulnerable and in the need of shielding. What do you do if you feel like you're under a threat? Who do you have to become to survive? Where does self-preservation end and an attack begin?" he questions and I shudder when the words hit a little too close to home.

It's bad enough to kill someone for self-defense but to plan it... it's different. It might be too much for you.

I wonder which one of us is the Seer, me or you, I think when the shrink looks at me expectantly. He is waiting for me to comment his latest set of random ramblings that isn't so random. Somehow he knows that I don't feel safe, that I'm battling myself over Oliver. In a simple way of looking at it Oliver has to die so the world can live in peace once more. But in the complicated way... he's still a living breathing person and by killing him I'd become a murderer, even if it was for protecting someone I love.

"I do believe that now our time is up", the shrink says after it becomes clear that I won't answer. He doesn't look disappointed though. He knows he got through to me, he knows that I'm thinking about his words. How could I not? They are pretty much identical with the ones I've been having since I first learned that the man from my nightmares was a real person who could really hurt others.

"What are you going to tell my mom?" I blurt out when I quickly get up from my chair.

The shrink whose name I just now remember to be Dr Ascalpus inspects my face carefully before answering as if by doing that he'd confirm his hypothesis about me. "I'm going to tell her that you are a very strong and smart girl who has a lot on her plate right now. I'm going to advice her to try to get you to open up to her about your everyday thoughts so hopefully you'll feel confident enough to trust her again", he says and even if the word trust stings me a little, I don't fight him on it. He, of course, is right about that.

Sometimes I don't feel like I can count on my workaholic mother who both works as a nurse in a kindergarten as well as handles its administrative needs. I love her, but I've too often sat in an empty house when my mom had promised to spend time with me just to be called to work just before. It's not her fault but it has made me put my trust on others rather than her.

"Are you going to tell her to bring me here again?"

Dr Ascalpus shakes his head. "I've always believed that help shall be given to those who ask for it."

I snort. "What's that, a Gandhi quote?"

"No, I do think it was from Harry Potter. You have a good day now, Haley", he smiles and when I shake his hand as a goodbye I see a picture of an owl. Since I've so far only gotten my visions when touching supernatural beings, I guess I'm not the only one here with secrets.