UN REQUITED (boyxboy)

Five

I open my eyes very slowly as my hand holding my cellphone feels funny.  I bring the cellphone to my face and barely register Conner's name.  "He...hel, hello?"  "Oh my God Ioan where the fuck are you.  What the hell is going on."  My breathing is very labored now as most of my energy is gone but I feel this bit of a surge run through me at the idea that maybe I am finally gone and this is my heaven.  Conner is talking to me.  "Con?"  "Please, please Ioan tell me where you're at.  Please baby.  Please..."  "W-why are you up...upset Conner?  Everything's o-okay now.  I d-don't feel pain anymore."  He pleads again with absolute terror in his voice, "Please tell me where you are.  Everyone is looking for you, please Ioan."  "O-okay...if you re-really are looking for me, as my best friend..."  I snicker when saying those two words.  "I am in the place where if I had wings I'd want to fly.  I am going to finally fly Conner.  I love you! Bye..."  "Ioan don't hang..."

I am back home hiding in my room.  We are due back in school tomorrow.  That fucking bitch manipulated her stupid parents into going to the same vacation spot we were in and paying an exorbitant amount of money to stay for our last week.  She was that determined to get her way.  She effectively cut off all access to Conner.  The only time I saw him was when he came to bed and I pretended to be asleep so I would not have to hear how his day went with his girlfriend.

When we finally came home just a couple of days ago, I have not heard from him since.  I cannot do this anymore.  I cannot spend another moment of my life without Conner in it in some way or another.  I honestly don't know what hurts more, him being straight or the fact that he can go on without me in his daily life.  How after almost eighteen years of friendship is it even possible to just pass me by like I mean absolutely nothing to him.

I have thought of ways to make things better for myself.  At first I thought to just get away completely.  Maybe even go to the other side of the world just to get away from him and HER but I know that in the end, I cannot live without him.  The decision to end it all was fairly quick.  My only regret is my parents.  They have always been the best in every way and I know my passing will hurt them in ways I never meant to but I just cannot do this anymore.

I did not make this decision lightly.  You see, there had to be one last nail to get hammered into my coffin.  Conner texted me a couple of hours ago asking why I have not picked up his calls.  How he is in desperate need to talk to me.  How he plans on finally giving himself physically to that pariah of a woman.  Upon reading those words, my heart finally shattered into millions of pieces and the pain was so overwhelming that it finally became clear what I needed to do.

This is where I find myself now presently.  I am waiting for my life to end so all of the pain and suffering I have endured at the knowledge that I have lost my soulmate, can finally come to an end. It is only now, near the end of it all that I finally see just how hopeless my reality truly was.

There are so many What Ifs going through my head yet none of them will change the outcome of my end.  If I had the luxury of one wish or my greatest regret is that I have never been kissed and would have truly loved to have experienced that with Conner.

I cannot regret much else as I know my time is close to ending.  My heart is beating so slowly and I can barely breath now.  I thought I would be scared of dying but I no longer feel anything and can feel myself beginning to slip away in a hazy fog of unconsciousness. 

I hear a slight noise far away.  "Io........up!"  "Please...please wake up!"  Conner, I think to myself.  I become more alert to my surroundings as I begin to understand that his hands are surrounding my face.  He is straddling me, trying to get my attention.  All this I notice as I slowly begin to open my eyes and look upon the face that  has plagued my soul for nearly all of my existence.

He is distraught and there are tears falling from his handsome face.  I must be dreaming or I am dead because he just cannot be here with me.  This must be my minds way of coping with my death.  Nonetheless, I cannot ignore his pained and agonized face so without thinking I raise my blood covered hand to his face in an attempt to dry his tears.

"Shhhh...don't cry.  I- it's almost over.  I - I... I love you so so much.  Kiss me, p-please." I say in a faint whisper.  "Oh my God Ioan what the fuck have you done?"  I feel a sharp pain shoot up my arm as Conner uses his shirt to bind my wrist up and just squeezes my wrist with all his might.

I barely have enough breath left but with what little I have, I faintly say, "Please..."  He must have known what my hearts desire was.  Before I could recognize what was happening, I felt his lips upon mine, nibbling me and the joy that filled my soul was so overwhelming that my chest was aching.

Then I heard the words that finally set me free.  "Ioan, please don't go. I can't live without you.  I won't."  As I finally felt the last of my breath leave my body, in the arms of the man I loved with my entire soul the last thing I heard was, "I love you too!"