Skinny • Book 1 In The Reality Series

Katy

A blanket of awkwardness covering the room like a fog, I tentatively let my eyes wander from the pile of homework on the floor in front of to the boy sitting opposite me on the stained carpet.

The room seemed warmer with him in it, or maybe it was just my own embarrassment oozing out of my pores.

After not seeing him for a few days his all too familiar scent, a distinct mainly, vaguely floral cologne, seemed even more prevalent. He was somehow more attractive then when I'd seen him last, and smaller.

Sat crossed legged on the floor, his shoulders bunched up near his ears Calum radiated a distinctly child like innocence and nervousness that reminded me of a puppy.

Not aware that I was watching him, he let his eyes wander the room, taking in every stray sock on the floor and hole in the wall before finally allowing his gaze to meet mine.

Clearing his throat nervously, he reached up and scratched the back of his neck, "Your mailbox fell over....I don't know if you, you know, knew that or...you probably did. Never mind."

Trailing off at the end, he looked down at his lap.

"I know." I said hoarsely, my voice cracking from lack of use.

Looking uncomfortable, he nodded.

"How is um... school?" I questioned.

Wincing, he shrugged.

"How is the soccer team doing? Didn't they have a game last night?"

"I don't know." Calum sighed, "I don't talk to them anymore."

"Not to any of them?"

"None of them."

"Not even Michael?"

"Not even Michael."

"I'm sorry."

Trying to look indifferent, he shrugged.

"What are you going to do when they let you play again?" I pressed, "You'll have to talk to them then."

"I quit the team." he mumbled.

"What?" I demanded, moving from the corner and sitting down on the floor across from him, "What do you mean you quit the team?"

"I mean, I turned in my uniform and put my ball and bag in the basement."

Staring at him in disbelief, I noticed for the first time that he wasn't wearing his varsity jacket, but instead a dark gray fleece, zipped up to his neck. I tried to remember a time I'd seen him without the brown and yellow signature piece but I drew a blank. He was like a cartoon character, always wearing the same thing, always familiar, dependable, predictable.

"But you loved soccer." I said slowly.

"My Dad loved soccer." he replied, "I mean, yeah, I liked it but I'm not going to..."

He trailed off.

"What?" I asked gently.

"Nothing." 

"You're not going to what?" I coaxed.

Looking up at me I could see the gears turning in his mind as he teetered on the verge of telling me.

"You can tell me."

"I'm not going to get fat." he whispered, looking down at his hands, "I can't."

"Calum." I breathed, a feeling of pity washing over me, "You wouldn't be fat if you put on the pounds, or twenty, or thirty...Hell You could gain sixty pounds and you still wouldn't be fat."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is."

"I know it's not. I'm too big right now my legs are getting big and I can't even see my hip bones anymore. I need to stop eating an...."

"Calum." I interrupted.

"I'm fat!" he continued, ignoring me, "And your the only one that gets it!"

"Get what?" I laughed, getting a little pissed, "What it's like to be fat? Yeah, I do. You don't. Your not fat, your skinny. You have no idea what it's like to be fat."

"No." he whimpered, "Your the only one that gets what it's like to be messed up. I don't go to therapy anymore. My Dad made such a big deal out of paying for it that I stopped and... that was a mistake I need it. I know I do. I'm not okay. I tell people that I'm getting better but I'm not.... Far from it. I was doing okay for a minute but I'm getting bad again. And that... that scares me. Because it's not getting any easier. I don't think it's ever going to be easier! I just want to be normal! It's just food! It's fucking food but I hate it! I hate myself when I eat it. I hate that I hate myself for eating! No one should feel like this and especially not me, I'm a guy. Normal guys love food...."

Unable to keep going anymore, his voice gave out as tears he'd been blinking back throughout his monologue dripped down his cheeks.

"Now I'm crying!" he laughed, rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.

At a loss for words, I slowly crawled across the floor, stopping beside him and pulled his much smaller frame against my larger one.

He stiffened at first, subtly trying to pull away, however when my grip didn't listen he gave in, leaning into me.

"I like it. When boys cry." I said carefully, "It shows their human."

His face covered by his hands Calum snorted.

"And feeling the way you feel isn't weird. And it's not a girl thing. It's a human thing, and your right, it sucks, and it's not normal. You don't see fat cats hating themselves, or dogs going on diets. But you are not abnormal for feeling that way. You are a great person Cal and just because your mind is being a jerk right now and trying to convince you otherwise, doesn't make it true."

Calum sniffed.

"I'm not going to tell you that you need to gain weight, because you've never told me to lose it but...you need to try and be healthy because I wouldn't know what to begin to do without you."

"You'd move on." he said quietly, looking up from his hands revealing his blotchy, tear stained face, "Everyone would act sad for a week and then I'd just be a memory which eventually would be forgotten."

"I wouldn't." I said firmly, " Calum, you aren't your body. And you aren't that voice in the back of your head that's feeding you lies. I wouldn't care if you weighed fifty pounds, or five hundred, you'd still be my best friend."

 Reaching over, I gently wiped a tear off of his cheek.

"I don't anything bad to happen to you either." he mumbled, sitting up and leaning back against my closet door, "I can't loose anyone else."

"Okay then, let's make a deal." I said, "We'll get healthy together. And then if everything falls to shit, we'll have each other."

Calum hesitated.

"I can't end up like her." I said slowly, gesturing to the door, "I need to change now before it's too late."

Sipping the tears off his hands on his jeans, Calum nodded before holding his hand out to me, to shake, "Deal."