Freddie felt the sadness within him as he cuddled Roger. Did Roger actually love him, or did he just need him for security? It was quite tragic, Freddie thought, to love someone so and never hear those words from their mouth...To so desperately need their love--virtually begging for it--and always going without. It hurt Freddie like nothing else could.
"Rog?" Freddie asked.
"Yes?"
"Do you love me?"
"Of course, Freddie," Roger answered.
"Why don't you ever say it?"
"I just did," Roger replied.
"No," Freddie said, "No you didn't. You didn't say the actual words."
"But you know I do, so why do I have to say it?"
Freddie was quiet. Then he said softly, "Because I would like to hear it. I say it to you all the time, and you never say it to me."
"Do you have to make a big deal out of nothing?" Roger said, irritated. "Anyway, they're just words. Actions speak louder than words."
Yeah, but you aren't affectionate with me either, Freddie said to himself. He didn't want to argue with Roger--that was usually a losing game. But it was true--while Roger would readily have sex with him, he rarely offered any kind of real affection. Freddie would love to be spooned and comforted from time to time, too...
Roger, swaddled in the warmth and comfort of Freddie's arms, soon drifted off to sleep, and Freddie sighed. He loved the little drummer more than he could say. Yet he was finding it hard to live like this... this empty, loveless life. He wasn't interested in ordinary love, either. He wanted an all-consuming, can't-live-without- each-other kind of love. He knew it was wrong to cheat on Roger, but what could he do? Freddie was hungry for love. His heart was aching.
He got up and went downstairs, leaving the little blond sleeping peacefully, and went to his record collection, pulling out an Elton John album. He place the needle down gingerly onto the track "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word." It seemed to convey everything he was feeling right now...
"What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there...
What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
Sorry seems to be the hardest word
It's sad, so sad
It's a sad sad situation
And it's gettin more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over?
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word..."
The four walls were closing in around him. He needed to get out of the house for awhile. Shopping always filled a void, so he decided to have his driver take him to some antique shops. He left a note for Roger so he wouldn't worry.
But on his way to the shops he passed David's house, and decided to stop by, knowing you would be there...
